INFERTILITY: a Type A's Nightmare

Pacifiers: There's Only One Kind, Right?

2011-04-23T13:53:00.000-05:00

For those of you who know me, in real life, via Twitter, or just by this Blog, I'd like to think that you already know that I'm opinionated, a psycho researching about everything Baby, and a little obsessive... about well, everything.

I have to tell you that I have been no different when it comes to PACIFIERS.

What's cuter than a little baby going to town on a pacifier? I always thinking about Maggie Simpson and EK is quite the little Maggie when she's sleepy.

DH and I were split on the paci decision. He wanted to avoid pacis altogether. I think they're good in moderation and for a limited time. His niece kept a pacifier until she started first grade. I think that has scarred DH for life. That will NOT happen in my house - just throwing that out there.

PROS of using a pacifier (according to the Mayo Clinic):
* May soothe a fussy baby. I absolutely agree. It's a cry-stopper.
* Offers temporary distraction. As in, when your baby is hungry, the paci works long enough to get to a comfortable position to nurse or to get a bottle prepared.
* May help your baby fall asleep. EK falls asleep with her paci 99% of the time. She loves her paci but she LOVES her paci when she's sleepy. She even has sound effects (She hums.) when she's sucking on her paci and sleepy.
* May help reduce the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I could stop right here because is there any better reason. "May" is enough for me. I'll do anything that reduces that risk.
* They're disposable. At first, when EK wouldn't use a pacifier, I told the pediatrician that who said "Well then she'll probably be a thumb sucker." We started working on loving a pacifier THAT DAY. I did not want her to be a thumb sucker. I can ultimately toss the paci. I can't toss her thumb.

CONS (Also from the Mayo Clinic):
* May interfere with breastfeeding. I suppose they may, but that was not my experience. EK has had no problem with pacis, bottles or breastfeeding. She likes it all.
* May become dependent on the pacifier. I was worried about this, but she doesn't always fall asleep with a pacifier. She sometimes goes to sleep without it. However, I will say that when she's tired and has her pacifier, all hell will break loose if it falls out. That doesn't bother me enough for it to be a con though.
* May increase the risk of inner ear infections. I will admit that this concerns me. EK has ony had one ear infection so far (thank God!) and that was when she had RSV. I try not to let her have it all day long though - only when she's sleepy. Okay. Who am I kidding? She gets it whenever she wants it, but so far, so good.
* Prolonged use may cause dental problems. Okay, parents. This is when you just have to be strong and committed to a throw away date. I'm hoping for a year, but adament about 2 years. We'll see who wins.

Okay. So you already know what made our decision. Aside from the cry-stopper, I am a fan of a reduced risk of SIDS and I am NOT a fan of thumb sucking, so the pacifier wins! (I have to say here that from an orthodontic perspective a pacifier is better/healthier than a thumb.)

I will tell you that initially I was won over by the pink and purple Soothies (the hospital pacifiers). That's what I registered for, but EK wasn't a big fan at first. Then, the more I thought about it, I couldn't help but think that over time... that harder round shape in her mouth would have to make it sore. I wanted something that had more of a mouth shape. Time for more research.

First things first... (and NO ONE told me this)....
LATEX VS. SILICONE
Some babies are allergic to latex, so it's best to start out with silicon. EK is not so that wasn't an issue. BUT... here's the deal... Although silicone-nipple pacifiers are dishwasher-safe (top rack only), latex pacifiers are not and deteriorate faster when heated. For a psychotic washer/boiler Mommy like me, latex won't work. I didn't know that heat deteriorates latex until after I had already tossed all of EK's latex pacis. I was washing and boiling like normal, which was beginning to make the latex GROSS. One day, after washing in the dishwasher (top rack) and boiling, I noticed a hair on the pacifier. It was tucked down in the groove between the plastic and the latex. Also in there, other grossness and that was AFTER all my psycho-cleaning. I looked at the others... more grossness on all the latex pacifiers. Guess what went straight into the garbage? Half of EK's pacifiers. I now ONLY have clear, silicone pacifiers and suggest the same for everyone. (I should say that latex is softer and retains smells. Some babies like that it retains smells. That's kind of gross to me. The softer is a plus but the nastiness required tossing).

ORTHODONTIC? Yes, please.
An orthodontic pacifier keeps your baby's jaws (top & bottom) in the correct position and thus doesn't interfere with proper development and growth. The Soothie is NOT orthodontic. This matters to me, but may not matter to you. (Dare I say that it should matter).

There are lots of pacifiers out there, but there is ONLY ONE for me. Dare I say I will not use anything other than the Nuk. It was created/founded by two dentists. Top that for your baby. I will admit that MAM seems to have the most designs, and I am slightly fascinated that Dr. Brown's has a pacifier. Since that is the only bottle I will ever use, I'm a little surprised that I didn't go that route with their pacifier, but Nuk it is. It's the only one, in my litte world.

I have it on good authority that the Easter Bunny is bringing EK the Nuk Genius. I can't wait to try it out.

There are a few other comments I have to make, while I'm on the pacifier discussion. The Soothie has a stuffed frog (and other animals) that is sewn to a Soothie. How do you clean it? In the washing machine. I have so many issues with washing my baby's pacifier with clothes. I'm not recommending that. There are other animals that you can attach to a pacifier and they are removable. You can wash the animal in the washing machine and the pacifier like it should be washed. I'm not knocking those. In fact, EK may ultimately have one of those.

Lastly, THE FIVE SECOND RULE DOES NOT EXIST... ESPECIALLY FOR PACIFIERS... ESPECIALLY FOR YOUR BABY.

That is all. ;)

More Than a Month Later...

2011-03-12T20:00:00.001-06:00

It's been over a month since I've posted, and I wish there was something profound that I could say about parenthood, but mostly... it's just this. Being a mother is the most amazing and fulfilling and wonderful thing I have ever known. Every day, I am amazed that I was chosen to be EK's mom. She's just the most perfect bundle of perfection, and my heart catching in my throat when I look at her. When I tell you perfection... it's no exaggeration.

She grows and changes daily, and I just want to drink it all in, soak it up like a sponge. I never want to forget to appreciate my time with her.

For those of you not on Twitter, we've already had our first hospital stay - four nights in the hospital with RSV. But we're home and doing wonderfully. EK weighed 12 lbs 12 oz at her two month "well baby" visit yesterday. Yes, my baby is 2 months old. Where does the time go? Only 3 weeks of maternity leave left. How will I ever leave her?

I want to share this with you... I downloaded this song last night, and it's a beautiful song but the lyrics are even more beautiful.

ANGEL'S LULLABY

I was never alive
'Til the day I was blessed with you.
When I hold you late at night,
I know what I was put here to do.
I turn off the world and listen to you sigh,
And I will sing my Angel's Lullaby.

Know I'm forever near,
The one you can always call.
Right now all you know to fear
Are the shadows on your wall.
I'm here close enough
To kiss the tears you cry,
And I will sing my Angel's Lullaby.

So tell me how to stop the years from racing.
Is there a secret someone knows?
I'll never catch all the memories I'm chasing.
I'll never be ready to let go.

And when the world seems cold,
And you feel that all of your strength is gone,
There may be one tiny voice,
Your reason to carry on,
And when I'm not close enough
To kiss the tears you cry,
You will sing your Angel's Lullaby.
Let this be our Angel's Lullaby.

Almost a Month into Mommyhood

2011-02-07T15:16:00.000-06:00

In less than a week, EK will be one month old. How did that happen? Can I started rewinding the clock already. She's getting so big, so long, and my maternity leave is ticking away.

Let me tell you my experience thus far... and then you can feel more than free to give me advice, offer encouragement, etc.

EK was born on January 11. A lot of the hospital stay is a blur because I was so sleep deprived. (My eagerness to have her here kept me from sleeping in the days leading up from her birth). Then, because she was losing weight in the hospital, there were a lot of tears so again... the hospital was a blur. DH changed essentially every diaper in the hospital and I nursed (although it wasn't doing much good at that point). I didn't let many people hold her in the hospital, but only because I was holding her... not because I had issues... or at least I don't think I did. (Again, that blur...)

But then we got home...

At first, I felt like it was my job - that DH didn't need to worry himself with the ins and outs of a new baby. He had to get up and go to work so I felt guilty if we woke him up at night.

But that didn't last long.

Then, I turned into a whole new monster.

Now, 27 days into EK's life... I'm a mess. I'm happiest when it's just me and her. I am complete when she's in my arms. If I have to put her down, it's okay... as long as she is within arm's reach and there's no risk of anyone else getting her. I don't let anyone feed her. I don't let anyone change her diaper. I get angry if DH offers to do something - hold her for a while, change her, bathe her, get up at night. I feel like if anyone else has her, then I'm not taking care of her. It's a little bit of guilt, but mostly... just total panic.

When friends/family are over and they're holding her, I can't watch. I have to wash clothes or dishes or play with my phone or computer, because it makes me feel hysterical. I feel like I can't breathe, which turns to panic and then I want to cry. I just want my baby back. (Yes, I even feel this way with my husband.)

I want to backhand people who try to help (yes, anyone).

DH called me stingy. He said that she's going to be four and isn't going to know who her Daddy is, because he only gets to hold her 15 minutes a day.

I try to act like I'm just being a stingy B, but honestly... it's out of control. It's so much more than me being stingy. I can't handle other people having her.

Is this normal?

This is not the post partum that I've read about. It's not me feeling any kind of disconnect. It's the exact opposite. I feel complete with EK. All I want to do is hold her or sit and watch her sleep. My life is perfect. I don't feel overwhelmed by her. (I feel overwhelmed by everyone else). I'm not going stir crazy. I haven't minded staying home with her. (In fact, it's been wonderful because when I stay home with her, it's just us and I don't have to share her.)

Maybe you're getting it... a little. Did you feel this one? Is this a normal new mom thing? First time mom thing? Mom after infertility thing? Or am I going off the deep end? And how on earth will I go back to work and leave her with a sitter?

This is not good.

EK's Birth Story

2011-01-27T14:36:00.001-06:00

Along the way, there were times when I would panic and some of you would suggest going to Labor & Delivery but I never could make myself do it. I would wait until during the work day when I could go to the dr's office instead. Well, all that changed the night before EK arrived. I was busy all day - went and had blood work at the hospital, finished registering, and even went and had a pedi. But I mentioned to DH that EK wasn't moving as much as normal. That night, we went and go something to eat and by then, I had decided that I had to know what was going on. I didn't want to be the Mom who thought something was wrong but didn't check it out... and then it be too late....

So, at 10 p.m., eight hours before I was supposed to be checking in anyway, I went to Labor & Delivery. I was in tears. They put me on the monitors and EK sounded great. She was moving some, but mostly, I was having such big contractions that they were kind of keeping her still. My contractions were 2-4 minutes apart and strong, but I wasn't even one centimeter dilated. They let me go home, since I was feeling reassured. They offered to let me stay, but I still had packing to do... and "surgery prep" (if you follow).

I got home, ate, took a long bath, finished packing and set my alarm for 4 a.m. so I would have time to take a shower and "get cute" before going to the hospital. Then I crawled into bed and just laid there. (I have to say that I drank water - like I would never have more - right up until midnight. Haha.) Sometime during the night, I took about a 30 minute nap, but that was all the sleep I was able to get. Then the alarm went off, and I was flooded with so many emotions... fear, anxiety, excitement... seriously, you name it... it was there.

We got to the hospital at 6:00 a.m. and the fear was overwhelming. (Just a week before, my best friend from high school had a c-section at the same hospital and threw up on the operating table. I was terrified that would happen to me.) In fact, I was also terrified of the spinal. What if I ended up paralyzed? Yes, I'm a lawyer, and yes, I already know this answer, but the day before... I still found myself texting my boss to ask... "If I end up paralyzed, can I sue? Even if I signed a consent form saying that I understood the risks?" Haha.

(I won't keep you in suspense. I am not paralyzed.)

Friends and family started arriving at the hospital and would come back to pre-op a few at a time. I was so scared, and I kept asking DH if he was scared. Of course not. ;) They put my IV in, and in no time I REALLY had to pee. They let me go to the bathroom. Thank God. My friend (who had the baby the week before was there... her baby was still in NICU) helped me carry my IV bag to the bathroom. She held my gown closed too. And even laughed and helped me not think about the little bit of blood that was showing in my IV. Ugh. I don't like blood.

My favorite nurse showed up. It was her birthday. ;) So I greeted her at the door with "Happy Birthday, Renee'!" She hugged me and tried to calm my growing nerves. Then my doctor poked her head in and she was a ray of sunshine. Love her! Everybody was excited! And then it was show time. The spinal guy came in and talked to me about risks, explained everything he was going to do, etc. They handed DH some scrubs so he could get ready and my friend took pictures.

Then I was in the operating room and ready to back out. Seriously. I suddenly was completely okay with leaving EK in my belly forever. I was terrified. One spinal guy was there and they were waiting for another. I'm not sure if two is standard or if they had two because I'm a lawyer. Haha. Everyone seemed to know I was a lawyer. Weird, right? One of the anesthesists even said, "I mean, you know how those lawyers are." He was joking, but it made me wonder. ;) Sweet Renee' got in front of me and hugged me, helped me hunch over and then... in no time the spinal was done. I can't for the life of me remember it hurting. And that's when I began to calm down. They commented that may have been the easiest spinal they'd seen in a while. I laid down and they let DH come in. The room was spinning a little, and I was so ready to hear my angel cry. I was terrified that she wouldn't.

DH sat by my head. He had the camera... ready for "go time." My doctor said, "Okay. I'm going to make a regular cut, and we'll see how big this little girl is. I may have to go back and cut some more." And then I heard the suction. My water. They were sucking up all that amniotic fluid. Wow. They already cut me. Didn't feel a thing. My doctor said, "My goodness at the fluid. Girl, you were full." And then... "Okay. You're going to feel some tugging." This is when I was still waiting to smell the burning smell people talk about. Nothing.

My doctor said, "Oh my goodness. My goggles are fogging up. I'm breaking a sweat. Her ear is hung. We have to get these shoulders out...."

All this one-sided dialogue. Then the nurse adds that she's going to have to take a shower after this c-section. Haha. They were working hard. And then... my baby cried. It was perfect and DH stood up to start taking pictures. And all the comments began about how big she was. My doctor held her over the screen and said, "I usually do this one handed, but she's a two hander."

They handed her to DH and he said, "She's 10 pounds." Haha. We took a "family pic" by my head and I cried. She was perfect. I literally felt like my heart was melting into tears. My life, my heart, my world was officially on the outside of my body, and she was crying and she wasn't blue. And DH... he was all teary too. In fact, when he walked out to show her to everyone, all the pictures show his sweet, teary eyes. I love that he's in love with her too. (He's told me over and over, with kisses, "You did good, you know it? She's beautiful.")

I was threatening DH from the operating table... "Somebody better tell me how much she weighs before everyone else finds out." In minutes, one of the nurses was calling the nursery to get the weight. She said, "Okay. Guesses?" The spinal guy guessed 8 lbs. 10 oz. I guessed 8 lbs. 11 oz. My doctor guessed 9 lbs. 3 oz. And then the unveiling. 9 lbs. 10 oz. Wow! My doctor said, "Hey. Good call on that c-section. I don't even want to think about all the stitches I'd be doing if you'd tried to have her."

They got me stitched up and taken to recovery, where they brought my little angel to me. I was seriously more in love than I thought I'd be. I didn't know it was possible to feel the way I felt when I looked at her.

I'm still amazed at the way I feel. I knew how much I wanted her, needed her. I've never needed anything so badly, but I had no way of knowing how in love I would be. Because I've never been this in love. I look at her, and I see my life. I see my future. I see everything that will ever matter to me. My life makes sense all with the birth of this little person.

And to end on a lighter note. I did not throw up on the operating table, but I did throw up that night. It wasn't horrible. It wasn't painful. I took two pain pills during my three night stay, but I really didn't need them. I was sore but it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. And I would've gone home after two nights, but EK lost too much weight the first day so they wanted her to stay another night until she was maintaining or gaining weight, so we did.

Did I say that my life is complete now? It is.
Life. Is. Good.

Quick Update - First Pediatrician Visit

2011-01-18T14:04:00.000-06:00

Those dern nursery nurses! They had me completely freaked out about nothing.

EK had her first visit with the pediatrician (who I freaking love), and she was already at 9 lbs. 12 oz. So, she was born on Tuesday at 9 lbs 10 oz, was down to 8 lbs. 12 oz. the following day and in less than a week, she gained a full pound. Good for her!!!! Now let's just hope she doesn't keep gaining at that rate or I'll never be able to feed her all she needs. Haha.

Other than ridiculously painful boobs/nipples, life is good here.

Dr. said stop supplementing. We'll recheck weight in a week and see how it's looking.

EK is here! Now S.O.S.!!!!

2011-01-16T15:23:00.000-06:00

EK arrived on Tuesday at 8:34 a.m. She was 9 lbs 10 oz and 21 inches of absolute perfect, and when I look at her, I am completely blown away that she is made from part of me. How on Earth did something that beautiful grow for nine months in my belly? Then, of course, I have to laugh when I think that she was 21 inches, and I'm only 60 inches. Haha.

I think everyone was surprised at her size. My doctor called her a "two hander." I was so afraid that morning... so afraid that I would throw up on the operating table. So afraid that the spinal would leave me paralyzed. And even so afraid that she would come out blue and be rushed away to NICU. Thankfully, none of those things happened.

I am so madly in love that I wish the whole world would stop so I could just love her... with no other responsibilities.

On the second day of EK's life, I started getting in trouble by the nurses. I was having such a hard time making her wake up to eat. I'd tried everything I knew to try, and she just WOULD NOT wake up. Her sweet Daddy would make her angry and have her screaming... only to hand her to me... get a boob in her mouth and she was out cold again.

I'm still having a hard time with that... Not to mention that my nipples want to commit suicide. They are SOOOOOO painful! Sometimes, when she's nursing, I truly think I'm going to vomit from the pain.

Speaking of pain... the c-section? Overrated. I am amazed at how little that has bothered me. I had no trouble getting up and moving afterward. Granted, there's still that broken rib that is kicking my tail, but the incision... not a big deal. I think I took pain meds twice in the hospital and none since I've been home. However, when I took the bandage off... it ripped off some of my skin and THAT, my friends, is painful... far more painful than the incision.

I've had my meltdowns. For instance when the doctor suggested that they might have to keep EK an extra day if she didn't start maintaining weight. She was down to 8 lbs. 12 oz. on the second night. I just boohoo'd. I felt like a complete and total failure. She gained 2 oz. that night/next day so they let us go home... with instructions that I supplement with formula. After every feeding, she's supposed to drink at least an ounce of formula. The only problem? If she doesn't stay awake for a boob? Why would she stay awake to feed on a boob and then a bottle? The problem wasn't milk supply. It's there. It's my sleepy baby.

Yes, I've undressed her. Yes, I change her diaper before she nurses. Yes, I tickle her, play with her face, cheeks, chin, etc. Yes, I've used a cool cloth on her face, forehead, side, etc. I burp her often. I sit her up and talk to her. This child LOVES to sleep. I'm at a loss.

Bear with me while I decide if I'm sharing pictures. I am still undecided.

We're finally buying a bump tonight, and I'm wondering if it'll be easier if I pump an then feed her with a bottle? That way the control freak in me can KNOW what she is consuming, rather than being uncertain. The breastfeeding thing is killing me. Ladies, it is not for the weak. I so completely respect all of you who do this. My experience after 5 days.... utter hell.

Please feel free to offer advice, definitely encouragement..... anything you have...

My husband is gone to his daughter's ball practice and EK is asleep so I finally had some "me" time to reach out to all of you.

S.O.S.

Yep. I'm Losing It!

2011-01-06T14:03:00.000-06:00

I am suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that I'm going to have too many visitors on EK's birth day. I suppose that's the downfall to having a planned birth. (At this moment, I'm thinking it'd be better to go into labor this weekend so it can be "quieter").

I have friends and family who plan to get there before the C-section and leave that night (from out of town). Then, we'll have a steady stream of people in and out all day.

Rarely has my family ever done anything small. That is one of the reasons that I chose to get married with immediately family only and have a reception afterwards. Other examples? My little brother had a wreck several years ago. At midnight that night, there were at least 50 people in the emergency room waiting room (that's 30 minutes away from my hometown) waiting to make sure he was okay. I had a D&C and a uterus suspension in 2003 (at a hospital an hour away from home), I had a steady stream of visitors to the point that I ended up very sick that night, because I didn't follow the "rest" orders. (I felt like I had to entertain visitors). My Christmas card list? At minimum... 175. Four baby showers, with the largest having a guest list of 200.

Are you getting my drift? It's never small.

I'm terrified that that's how Tuesday will be.... overwhelming. And being the Type A person that I am, I am terrified of being out of control, but I also acknowledge that it will be very difficult to be "in control" when I am flat on my back (post spinal tap).

I am so afraid that I won't have time for just me and EK (and DH). I told DH that I don't want to feel like I just gave birth... for everyone else to love on her. Yes, I know how it sounds.... me, me, me. But I have endured these nine months with one thing on my brain... the day when I could hold her and kiss her face and just love her... outside my body. He says that I'm putting a lot of this on myself, that I shouldn't feel like I have to entertain people all day, that I'm going to need my rest, that we'll let the nurses take her back to the nursery if it gets to be too much (HELLO... it's not her that will be too much... it'll be all the grownups. She's the one I want to keep. Can the nurses take the grown ups?)

Anyway... if you haven't gathered... THIS IS ME FREAKING OUT!
Someone make me feel better.

EK Moves!

2010-12-29T21:03:00.000-06:00

Today was not as productive as yesterday. I am so sidetracked by my little girl. I am so ready for her to be here. She truly consumes my thoughts.

I've been able to watch her "practice breathing" for about a month. When her back is against my stomach, I can watch her little lungs working. In an effort to share that with you, I videoed my belly today. It's not a long video, and the key is to focus on the key hole in my desk. (Excuse my desk. It's not "new" by any stretch of the imagination. Haha. Anyway, watch the keyhole and you can see the rise and fall of her little lungs. It's my heaven on earth.

And just for fun... Right after I videoed that, she started REALLY moving. I tried to catch it on video, but it ended quickly because my memory card was full.

Update (because my lack of creativity can't come up with a better name)

2010-12-28T15:56:00.000-06:00

I have officially had my 38 week appointment. I am 15 days away from my due date and SO ready for her to be here. Isn't this when most people have their babies? Okay... in all fairness... maybe not everywhere, but at least down here in the South where doctors seem to thrive on enducing labor and/or ceasarians. (Sidenote: Thank God for that, because I could not handle having a doctor who wasn't completely okay with my planned c-section).

Let me interrupt my thought process to explain myself for anyone judging me about my desire to have a c-section. (No, I don't feel like I have to explain, but I'm going to for those of you who may be curious.) I never contemplated HOW I would give birth to my future children, until July of 2008. It was then that a sweet and precious friend of mine had her beautiful baby girl. After a day full of labor, the doctor (my doctor) thought it might be time for a c-section. The baby was in distress, and it had been a long day. That night, that sweet baby girl was born via c-section.... with no pulse, not breathing, and having lost a lot of blood when the umbilical cord ruptured. It was a picture perfect pregnancy. No reason to think anything was wrong or out of the ordinary. That sweet baby is full of life and one of my favorite kids now, in December of 2010, but what a scary birth day she had. A ventilator, blood transfusion and the list goes on and on as to what she went through during her first days outside of the womb. I don't have answers for why, but my gut is that had a c-section happened that morning (with no labor), all of the rest of that could have been avoided.

You're right, if you're telling me that I don't know that for sure. But after being there that night, and shedding all the tears I shed, it changed me. From that point on, I knew I would not ever go through a day of labor. And before we ever started trying to get pregnant, I told my doctor that I needed her to assure me I could have a c-section ... or I would go straight to adoption.

From the beginning, she documented me as a case of "extreme maternal anxiety" which is very true and also reason enough for an insurance company, but now we have our new reason... I'm going to have a WHOPPER of a baby! ;)

Judge me if you will, but regardless... back to the here and now....

My doctor is currently out of town. She wouldn't let me skip my 38-week appointment so she scheduled me with the doctor of my choice and then e-mailed her so she would know what a "special" patient I am. Haha. I am so grateful for a doctor who loves me and appreciates all my Type A glory. ;)

Her e-mail went something like this.... "Do not deliver this baby while I am gone. If she goes into labor, she will have a panic attack. Just answer any questions, talk as long as she needs to. You'll love her."

And that is one of the many reasons I love Dr. P.

At my 36 week appointment, she checked my cervix which was still closed up tight and told me that she wouldn't check me again unless I just wanted her to. After that experience, no, I never wanted her to again. Haha. At week 37, we discussed the birth date I'm hoping for... 1-11-11, and she offered to do the c-section as early as 1-3-11 (her first day back). She left it up to me and told me to call the office if I decided that the 3rd worked for me, but I'm not in love with that. I'm sticking with the 11th.

So, my 38th week appointment (with the dr who isn't my own) went well. She checked my cervix which hurt like a mother... and yes, I've basically been cramping since. It's still all closed up. My baby girl is loving her Mommy's belly. ;) This makes me want to laugh at everyone who has been telling me for a month that I'd never make it to 2011. And when the fill-in doc leaned over to measure my belly... her comment? "Now that is a big kid." Yes, ma'am. She is apparently a whopper.

I am getting slightly anxious at the possibility that my baby may never be able to wear some of the beautiful newborn outfits that she has. I had a gut feeling that she was going to be big, but I figured she could wear newborns for a little while. I guess we'll see.

And now for my confession... this Type A STILL hasn't packed for the hospital. ;)

What 36 Looks Like... when the Ultrasound Tech Called Me "Thin"

2010-12-16T15:23:00.000-06:00

36 Weeks! Wow. I am less than a week away from being FULL TERM. Except that Miss Priss is already measuring well beyond full term. Her belly measurements put her at 39 weeks, and her head is measuring in at 38wks5days. Wow!

(excuse the bad picture... it's a picture of a picture, but you get the idea)

My doctor called her a chunker. They are estimating that she currently weighs 7 lbs 9 oz, which would be right on track from her 30 week measurement of 4 lbs. 3 oz. Almost 3 1/2 pounds in 6 weeks, and they say 1/2 pound per week.

I have 4 more weeks. You do the math.

In fact, size was the very reason for yesterday's ultrasound, but I did find out some other interesting things... like the fact that my fluid is at 21. That's apparently on the very high end of normal. Big baby, lots of fluid - usually makes them think gestational diabetes, but my sugar test came back very good. However, (interesting fact), my Mom had the very same issues. No diabetes, but big babies, lots of fluid. Go figure, right?

Anyway, I digress....
I'm laying there on the table and the very first thing the ultrasound technician said was... "Wow. Look at those lungs." She was doing some beautiful practice breathing in there. I KNEW it! I've been watching her breathe for almost a month now. I can't really feel it, but I can see it. My stomach rises and falls just like a newborn baby's chest rises and falls with each breath. I knew it wasn't a hiccup, knew it wasn't a regular movement. Turns out... I'm watching her breathe! That is so surreal to me! Today, I made everyone in the office watch it too.

The ultrasound tech said that because I'm so "thin...." I know right. Are you laughing with me now? Let me stop this story to show you me at 36 weeks (since you've already seen EK at 36 weeks).....

Is anyone thinking THIN? Haha. I think not.

Anyway, thank goodness she clarified. It turns out that all that belly... well, it's not fat. It's baby and fluid, and there is actually barely over a centimeter covering little EK, so when her back is against my stomach, (as it usually is), I can watch her breathe.

I am SOOOO in love.

Meanwhile, I am becoming terrified of what I am going to look and feel like in four more weeks. My doctor said, "Well, aren't you just as full as a tick?" Can you tell we're from the south?

I have an appointment Dec. 23, then Dec. 27 (with another doctor because my doctor will be out of town, but she won't let me skip my 38 week appointment). Then, it's the first week of January, and although I am truly hoping to hold out until January 11, I have a sinking sensation that I may be the Mommy to a baby on the outside... the first week of January.

Regardless, I am (at most) 27 days away from EK, and I can hardly stand it I'm so excited!!!!

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

2010-12-10T11:41:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I went shopping. It's the first time I allowed myself to shop for EK. We had so many showers that I was afraid to buy anything, so finally... in the midst of all of my Christmas shopping, I decided that it was time for me to get to buy some things for her. I came home with more than I should have, but of all the purchases, this one was my favorite...

Nothing special. Just a tiny little pair of pink shoes from Dillards, but I'm in love nonetheless. I can hardly believe that she's about to be here and will have those tiny little fit in these tiny little shoes.

I also bought the Medela postpartum support band, after hearing so many of my c-section friends comment on how helpful the postpartum bands are. I had it on my list to finalize my shopping for the dreaded "hospital bag" that I still haven't started packing. I'm only 35 weeks though. I have plenty of time, right? ;)

Today, I am struggling. I slept two hours last night... from 12-2, and I was up at least once during those two hours to pee, so it wasn't even a continuous two hours. I am exhausted, but I truly find it impossible to get comfortable enough to sleep. My doctor has completely ok'd taking Tylenol PM and even offered some sort of sleeping pill, but I can't do it. I have taken one Tylenol PM once or twice and it helps so much, but I have immense guilt for drugging my child.

So today, I am at the office attempting to look like a hardcore lawyer in my jeans and my husband's shirt, with only half-opened eyes. Fabulous!

But tomorrow... tomorrow is December 11, which is one month away from January 11, which is the day that we have discussed having the c-section to get my little angel here. I am one month away from living a fairy tail... one month away from having my biggest dream come true... one month away from holding the love of my life. How can it be so close and yet seem so many millions of miles away?

In other exciting news... I'm five days away from seeing my beautiful little girl at our next ultrasound, where they'll see how big she is now. At our 30 weeks ultrasound, they anticipated a big ole' baby girl. At 36 weeks, they want to see if she's still looking big. If my belly is any indication, then I'm guessing YES.

Not sure if I've mentioned this already but my doctor will be out of town December 23 through January 3. Um, unless EK's coming early (which terrifies me), then I really need her to stay put until my doctor gets back. I'm not interested in getting to know any new doctors this late in the game.

And lastly... I FINALLY made a decision on a diaper bag. I knew I wanted a Kalencom bag, made in my fabulous home state, but I couldn't decide on which design I liked. Thanks to my wonderful husband for buying it for me. He so knows the way to my heart... buy something baby related. ;)

Short & Sweet - 34 Weeks!

2010-12-02T11:49:00.000-06:00

34 weeks.

OB appointment today.

No ultrasound for two more weeks.

Lots of contractions.

40 days to go.

MELTDOWN!!!

2010-11-23T09:42:00.000-06:00

I slept three hours last night - not three consecutive hours, but instead... three hours just happened to be the total of the 20 minute naps I was able to get.

Throughout the night, I changed ice packs, trying to get comfortable. Take the warm one back, get a frozen one, etc. I kept one on my right rib cage (just below my right boob) all night long.

I am in PAIN. My skin hurts to even touch it. I can't breathe. No bra - no matter how big I buy them, is comfortable in that particular spot, so I am miserable. Cried on my way to work this morning. In a sports bra now, and still not comfortable.

Let me remind you that I still have seven more weeks, and my stomach is absolutely full from top to bottom. I hardly feel that there will be any relief, even on the off chance that I do drop some in the coming weeks.

Yes, at one time, I was someone who hated pregnant people for complaining. I never thought I would complain. Pregnancy was such a dream come true for me and I glamorized it so much that I couldn't imagine having anything to complain about.

But the fact is, I am tired. I am so tired that I almost fell out of the shower this morning. And on top of that, I can't sleep and I can't breathe - two things that have always been kind of essential.

Yes, I know. It's my body's way of getting me ready for EK since I won't get any sleep then either. Okay... whatever. I gladly welcome my little angel. I'd rather stay awake all night and see her perfect little face than even spend a minute awake simply because I'm uncomfortable.

Seven weeks? Am I really going to make it? Because today, I am contemplating performing my own c-section.

32 Weeks (and a belly shot)

2010-11-18T15:31:00.001-06:00

How far along?
32 Weeks!!

Baby's size?
Every website says something different, but two weeks ago, EK was approximately 4 lbs and 3 oz. We're having another ultrasound in four weeks to check on her size again. Right now, they're estimating that she's going to be a 9-pounder.

Weight Gain?
I have major issues with this even being a question. Since my last appointment, I've only gained 2 pounds, but I have gained more than enough for satisfaction at this point, and the weight gain can feel free to stop at any time. ;)

Stretch marks?
Not yet, and while I'd like to be cocky about that, I hear that the last couple of weeks make up the danger zone, when the stretch marks tend to show up.

Belly button in or out?
It's still in, but I swear it's the size of a Q-tip. Haha. It's so itty-bitty.

Sleep?
I seriously do not remember what sleep feels like, so I'm exhausted most of the time. My doctor recommended Tylenol PM, but I'm afraid that would really knock me out. Things that normally make people sleepy, essentially make me dead to the world. If I even took one Tylenol PM, I would need 12 hours of sleep, and who has time for that? ;)

Foods I am loving?
Cereal. I could seriously eat it three times a day, and no, I don't mean healthy cereal. My favorites are Fruit Loops, Captain Crunch and Count Chocula. Haha.

Foods I am hating?
It's not that I hate food. I just hate the way I feel after I eat what used to be a normal meal, so the idea of eating has lost its appeal.

Best moment this week?
I'm still basking in the glow of our 4D ultrasound which was two weeks ago, but mostly I live for OB appointments because they serve as a count down.

Movement?
Oh my goodness. My little ballerina dances all day, and now that she's so big... I can basically just watch her movements. Sometimes it makes me laugh out loud. Being able to feel limbs moving, rather than those little kicks, is absolutely amazing to me. I'm going to miss this most of all once she's here.

Symptoms?
Is it okay if I say that some days I just feel defeated. I miss being able to actively do all that I did before. There are days when I truly just feel like a big ole' blob, and that's hard. Being out of breath and rarely being comfortable, being what feels like double my normal size... it's just hard. Absolutely worth it, but difficult, so I've had more "I want to burst into tears" moments lately.

Gender?
My perfect little girl! I knew it from the start. ;)

What I miss?
I would never go backwards, but I do miss wearing "real" clothes and being flexible and active, sleeping on my belly and taking deep breaths. ;)

What I will miss?
Without a doubt, I will miss having EK with me all day long, every day - no matter where I am or what I'm doing, and I'll miss feeling her moving around all day long. That's the most amazing thing I've ever experienced, and I don't look forward to that ending.

What I'm looking forward to?
I am so ready to have her here. I'm ready to dress her in tiny clothes and kiss her little face. I'm ready to have her in my arms and to be able to look at her perfect face any time I want to.

Weekly Wisdom:
Being pregnant isn't glamorous, but it's a means to the most perfect end imaginable... my sweet baby in my arms. ;)

Milestone:
5 weeks until full term. Wow!

Emotions:
You name it, I've got it! ;)

Infertility... and Pregnancy... Neither are for Wimps, but Both are Worth It!

2010-11-10T12:19:00.001-06:00

First, let me go ahead and get this out of the way. Infertility was, has and will always be harder than any pregnancy, but...

It has been my experience that pregnancy is not a cake walk in itself. Granted, the ultimate prize cannot be beaten and makes everything worth it, but in all those month waiting to hold your miracle... it's easy to get bogged down in the blah.

In all that time of infertility, I just wanted to be pregnant. I envisioned a perfect little baby bump and life itself would be perfect... as soon as I had that.

Only being pregnant is more than a "perfect little baby bump."

I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!

My sweet little angel likes to keep her booty in my rib cage, which makes my ribs needs to expand... only there are things keeping my ribs from expanding (ligaments, muscles, skin), which leaves me feeling like there's a rope around my ribcage.

And, with her booty on my lungs, I can't breathe. FYI... not being able to breathe triggers a panic attack (which I've never had until now, but absolutely makes it even harder to breathe).

Other factors: Being 5 foot tall with a particularly short torso so she has nowhere to go; sitting at a desk for 8 hours (when I'm not in Court); a 2-hr commute (round trip). So, poor EK is staying very squished and thus so are my lungs and every other internal organ. All of that finally came crashing down on top of me yesterday and I cried the whole hour home (which I must add... did NOT help the breathing).

Now then... now that's out of the way, and I can really update.....

All four showers have come and gone and I basically got absolutely everything that I wanted. I still had to get a few small things - a changing table pad/mattress; baby laundry detergent; dishwasher baskets and my bottle drying rack. But buying those things was a simple task since I got an absurd amount in gift cards and had so many things to return (3 diaper genies, 2 wipe warmers, a boppy, a bumbo, etc.)

Her room is taking shape. I have 9 weeks left. I had two showers this past weekend and overall got almost everything I needed/wanted, and yet none of that compares to one thing....

Friday's 4D ultrasound...

I am so in love, and she is so unbelievably perfect!

She measured approximately 4 lbs. and 3 oz. (at 30 weeks), and they expect her to grow about 5 more pounds, so .... It looks like that breathing thing may get worse....

But this face is sooooo worth it.

70 Days Until Baby....

2010-11-02T10:25:00.000-05:00

Where to begin? Tomorrow is 30 weeks! I figured it was okay to blog about 30 weeks today, since our "plan" (which in the world of IF, I learned... rarely actual happens as I plan) involves a delivery 10 weeks from today. Where has the time gone?

This is an exciting week! I'm on the Board of Directors for the local pregnancy crisis center. Our annual fundraiser is next week so we had a big meeting last night.

Tonight, I'm shopping for a dress to help camouflage my ever-growing rear end. (Yes, there happened to be a picture of my behind from my last shower, and it does not look cute.)

Wednesday night is a reception for our pastor who is leaving the church.

Then on Thursday, my 30 week OB appointment... and finally, on Friday.... drum roll please.....
THE 4D ULTRASOUND that I have been waiting so patiently for. Can you believe I have not seen this little angel is TWELVE WEEKS? That is entirely too long but it has made for some wonderful suspense. I can hardly wait! That night is our couple's shower. My best friend from law school is coming to town (and helping host the shower).

Then Sunday, is my fourth and final baby shower. I think it'll probably be my biggest one and yet, I already don't know where I'm going to put everything.

70 days until Baby! Wow... so this is what that feels like....

Wordless Wednesday: 29 weeks!

2010-10-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

Real? Or Surreal?

2010-10-18T15:32:00.000-05:00

Saturday night, I laid in the bed and willed myself not to cry. It was the night before my first big shower and I could not wrap my brain around the idea that my Mom wasn't going to be at the shower. For the first time, it was REAL. I'm having a baby and was getting ready for a wonderful shower. It's so hard for me to imagine having my sweet baby girl, without my Mom. Being pregnant without her has been an obstacle in and of itself, but how will I do this... all of this... from here on out, without her.

I didn't cry, because I know how tears exhaust me and I can't imagine that's good for my sweet little angel, but my heart remembered and suffered again, all of the pain that it suffered when I lost Mom. You see... the thing about a loss is that it's a loss. She won't come back. It's not temporary. It's a done deal. I can't ever explain to you the relationship I had with her. She was truly my best friend. My husband used to say that we could've sued the doctor that delivered me because he forgot to cut the umbilical cord. She was amazing! I was blessed.

And I AM blessed. I'm blessed with this perfect little person, who I get to name after my beautiful Mom. And the shower was fabulous, way bigger than I expected, and I am overwhelmed with all that we received for our sweet little girl. I still have two more showers and can't think of too much more that I need.

So last night, as I laid in the bed just 24-hours after my Saturday night realization.... and for whatever reason, I was overwhelmed by the idea that I'm about to be a Mommy. I swear to you that I put my hand on my stomach just to make sure that there was really a belly there. When I'm not in her room, looking at the abundance of things she has acquired so quickly, I can hardly imagine that it's real. What are we doing with baby clothes in a closet, with a crib in our house? People are actually buying me diapers. How SURREAL!!!!

I am literally suddenly speechless because the fact that in less than three months, I am going to be a Mommy in real life. I'm completely fascinated, and it leaves me wondering where I've been the past 6 months to just be realizing this now.

Oh the emotions of pregnancy!

HEY YOU!

2010-10-13T11:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, YOU! .... my THIRD and final TRIMESTER!!!
I have waited a very long time for you and here are you.... being welcomed with open arms. Take care of my little girl and get her here safely!!!!

Saturday, before the hour and a half drive to my shower, I went and got my oil changed. As I was leaving, I looked at the window sticker. Next oil change due... 1-9-11. WHOA! Now that makes it seems real, right? My sweet EK's due date is January 12, 2011. It's almost here!... an oil change away!

(Disclaimer: I drive so much that I'll have to get my oil changed way before then, but still....)

My little angel is due to arrive in just 91 days. I can hardly contain my excitement!

This week, my stepdaughter's "big sis" gift arrived and EK's "going home" outfit did too. They're both wonderful! Also in this week's news, my stomach has started to take on foreign shapes. I see little (undistinguishable) body parts poking out, making my stomach everything but perfectly round. She moves so much that I seriously laugh out loud. (People have to think I'm insane sometimes). She just makes me overflow with silly excitement, love and pride when I see all of her acrobatics right there in my belly.

I have learned the meaning of BLESSED and imagine that I will understand it even more in the coming months.

It's Beginning to Look Like....

2010-10-10T13:06:00.000-05:00

A Baby Lives Here! ;)

Yesterday was our first of four showers. It was the smallest one that we'll have. My Dad's family threw it for me, about an hour and a half away. I got LOTS of clothes!

And my Dad got us our biggest gift - the most expensive thing on our registry. Our Chicco Travel System!!!! LOVE! It's so perfect! And pictures just can't do it justice. I had seen it online but when I saw it in the store, I was in love! ;)

People say that I'm lucky that I know (or at least plan) to only have one... so I could buy pink and not neutral. Well, the secret is... even if I was having 10 more, I would've shopped "girl." It seems that while I've been planning for her, I forgot to be practical. Haha.

All of my "Thank You" notes are written for yesterday, and all the clothes are hanging in her closet. It's time to buy a dresser. I have got to commit to one so I'll have a place for all of this stuff. Haha. Because... well, now we're on to shower #2... next Sunday! ;)

How Things Change (6 months reviewed in pictures).

2010-10-07T10:32:00.000-05:00

Now... only 97 days to go!!!!

The Schedule

2010-09-28T11:44:00.002-05:00

Being the Type A that I am, I absolutely LIVE for schedules. They make me happy. My calendar makes me feel sane. Lists are my friend. Well, you get it.

(Yes, I know... I should probably try to lose some of that by January, but it will absolutely be difficult).

So, today... I'm just sharing my schedule from here on out.

Today is September 28.

October 9 is my first baby shower.

I will begin my THIRD TRIMESTER on October 13.

October 14... glucose test.

Second baby shower on October 17.

I get to see my beautiful little angel in 4D (or 3D live) on November 5, which just happens to be the day of my third baby shower (our couple's shower).

My fourth, and probably final, shower will be November 7.

The next day, November 8, we begin our 3-consecutive-Mondays Prepared Childbirth class.

31 week checkup the following week.

Then, more checkups... week 33, 35, 37, 38... 39.... 40.

AND THEN......

E.K. ARRIVES!!!!!!

(Does this make it seem like it's right around the corner, or what????)

Just because surely you want a picture, I'll show you the crib we ended up purchasing... Isn't it wonderful?

Lots of other recent purchases, but don't want to take the time to send myself the pictures. (They're on my phone). In other news, my sweet husband is going with me tonight to buy more maternity clothes. I feel like I'm doubling in size, and I have no long sleeve shirts that fit. I'm trying to will the cooler weather here... by buying fall clothing.

24 Week Update

2010-09-22T15:15:00.000-05:00

How Far Along: 24 weeks

Maternity Clothes: All of the pants I wear for work are maternity. I can still wear all of my regular lounge pants, stretchy shorts, etc. A few of my shirts are maternity, but I'm just wearing them a little more fitted these days. I'm trying desperately to get to cold weather before going on another maternity shopping spree.

Stretch Marks: No, but I obsessively look for them. I use Palmer's in the morning and Bio Oil at night. (Love the Bio Oil. Highly recommend it.)

Sleep: I can't remember the last time I slept all night long. I long to sleep on my belly but that won't be happening any time soon. I did buy "the big C pillow" as I call it, and it has helped, but nothing helps with the three times I have to get up every night to pee. Haha.

Best Moment of the Week: I've been feeling quite fat. Last night, I asked my husband if he thought I was disgustingly fat, and he responded.... "Of course not. That's my daughter in there." Ah, melt. Love him!
Movement: She is so busy, and I adore every second of it. I love to put something on my belly and watch it get knocked around. Haha. She is rarely still and seems to sleep when I sleep. (Hopefully that's an indicator of what is to come.) The funniest thing is that when she kick inward instead of on the sides or out, I swear I feel sea sick, like I'm truly about to puke my guts up... and for whatever reason, it always makes me laugh.
Food Cravings: No real cravings... But for the sake of those around me, do NOT let me miss a meal. ;)

Gender: Definitely a beautiful little girl. ;)
What I Miss Most: I miss sleeping on my stomach and being able to bend over without holding my breath and pulling my knees up against my chest. I definitely miss a lot, but I know when she gets here, that I'll miss feeling her daily aerobics. They're heavenly.

What I'm Looking Forward To: My appointment tomorrow, seeing my little angel for the first time in six weeks. But even more than that, I am anxiously awaiting January. I'm so ready to kiss my little princess's face. ;)

Weekly Wisdom: The second trimester and reading all of the material associated with the second trimester, which talks about the "honeymoon trimester" and how "You should probably be feeling better by now..." shouldn't get you down, if you're still puking your guts up, peeing every hour (or more) and can't find any foods that sound good. Apparently, those things may also last forever. You're not weird.
Milestones: I am in the sixth month and this week means that my sweet one would have a 50% chance of survival if she was born. In other words, we're right on the edge of viability, and even though I've done better, I will definitely breathe easier, when we're at a nice, safe delivery stage. ;)
Emotions: Even though I always say that I'm an emotional rollercoaster, I'm really not... or I really wasn't.... until recently. I've been far more emotional lately. I want to cry at every little thing but have still held back thus far.

On another note, the nursery is under construction. I did NOT end up getting the crib that I posted about a few weeks ago. I chose another one - much more perfect. The walls are painted, the wooden floor is laid in the closet, the old carpet is gone, the new carpet is in the room (just not installed) and then... the crib can be put together, and I can hardly wait for that. ;)

Wordless Wednesday: 23 Weeks!

2010-09-15T15:38:00.002-05:00

Unending Decisions!!!!

2010-09-06T14:07:00.001-05:00

I've dreamed of the day when I would get to be a Mommy. I've dreamed of the day when I would sit in my baby's nursery with a big, fat belly ... imaging the day of her arrival. (My dream was gender neutral until I found out SHE was on her way).

Anyway, everything centered around the nursery. And even more importantly, every dream I had focused on the crib.

WHY can't I pick out a crib?

I used to spend hours on gmail chat, with one of my best friends (who was five hours away). She would pick out cribs and I would pick out cribs. We would pick out carseats, bedding, etc. You get the idea. She loved modern things that I hated. I liked traditional. I always thought I knew what I wanted... until EK. She's turned it all upside down.

I always wanted a brown nursery, until I saw her sweet little face on the ultrasound and knew she wasn't "brown." She was soft and all things baby and girly. I picked out the bedding ... in a way I never thought I would pick out bedding. I've had a "Baby Bedding" file since 2008, but what I bought was none of those. It was bedding that I saw in the children's boutique. When I saw it, I wanted it. I knew I had to have it, and I got it the day after we found out she was a she.

So here is my sweet little girl's bedding. I think it's perfect. Nothing like I ever wanted but everything I had to have.

That was easy. It's been in her room for almost a month now. Also in that room are walls with two colors of paint, because I'm trying to make up my mind on a shade of light blue. (I cannot do pink walls. I just can't.) So far I don't think I like either shade. One is too light and one is too dark, and I'm fairly certain that I'm going to have to find something between the two.

But that leaves me with this... THE CRIB?

I have looked at cribs until I'm ill. I've looked in stores. I've look online. I've looked in books and magazines. I am 90% certain that I have chosen the one I'm going to go with, but I don't dare order it yet because I need to be 100% before I can do that.

There are other pieces of furniture that have to be purchased, but they seem so irrelevant in comparison to the crib. It's my focal point, remember?

Again, this is what seems almost perfect for now, and what I never ever wanted. I didn't like the more modern look. That's what my friend liked. I liked the big, elaborate sleigh beds, etc. I even had the bed chosen... until I saw my little angel's face and then it all changed.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

21 Weeks!

2010-09-01T14:04:00.001-05:00

21 weeks down. 19 to go. I feel like a monster, but even more than that, I've been really uncomfortable. My "FREAK OUT" is at a ridiculous high right now. After going to check the heartbeat on Monday, I am going back today. I couldn't wait another week for my appointment. I just need my wonderful Dr. P to tell me that everything I'm feeling is normal and that my sweet little EK is a-ok.

P.S. - None of my pictures ever show much of my head, but if you can't tell... I got 6 inches of my hair chopped off last week. My head feels lighter, if nothing else does. ;)

Monday in Every Sense of the Word

2010-08-31T09:50:00.000-05:00

Where to begin?

Yesterday morning, I drove two hours for Court. It's not one of my favorite court houses, but whatever. The elevators are old and they have trustees operating them. I personally prefer to push my own elevator buttons, thank you. Not to mention... haven't we always been taught NOT to get on an elevator with shady people, and yet they have men in jail garb on every elevator ride. Uncool. It was even more uncool that one of the two elevators was "out of order."

I entered the court house on the 1st floor and had to get to the 6th floor for the hearing. Everyone piled into the elevator, at which time the jailbird says, "This is too many people. We're going to get stuck." Do you think anyone got out? No. We made it to the fourth floor, where two people exited. One person got back on. The elevator starts again... and gets stuck.

Jailbird: "Yep. I told y'all. Too many people."

WTH??? We have one less than we just had. How is that too many?

It ~~took a small lifetime during which I was having a panic attack because the elevator was so crowded~~ didn't take long before we landed on a random floor, back to the third if I recall correctly. I accounced loudly that I would be getting off and could someone please point me in the direction of the stairs.

I found the stairs without problem and of course, it's the old stair wells with metal everything, no air, etc. I sprint (okay, well it was a spring for a pregnant person) up three flights of stairs and arrive at approximately the same time that the elevator gets there.

Court went fine. The hearing was a cinch. Then it was time to leave.

I wait patiently for the elevator. I actually wait no less than fifteen minutes for the elevator, which NEVER comes. Back to the stair well. Down six flights of stairs. No air. The door is locked. Please tell me this is not real. Back up a flight of stairs to the second floor. Locked. This is a cruel, cruel joke. I'm pregnant. I'm hot. I'm already quick to panic, and I can't get out of the freakin' stair well. Isn't that where all people die in the movies? The stair well? What if no one ever finds me? I'll die here. I'll never get out.

Back up another flight of stairs. On the third floor. Success! The door is unlocked. I'm back in some A/C. I go to the elevator. Nothing. I find another flight of stairs. (Dumb, I know.) I go down two flights of stairs. Locked. Back to the second floor. Locked. And land on the third floor again. Fifteen minutes, I'm on the elevator, with the jailbird, pissed... hot... and trying to hold a string of profanities back.

When I finally escape the dungeon, I walk two blocks to my car. As I'm walking, I am completely oblivious to all things around me (apparently). I am digging through my purse for my keys, my phone and my sunglasses. I reach my car, climb inside... only IT'S NOT MY CAR. The seat is so far forward that I hit my knees on the dash. (Keep in mind, I am 5'0". WHO is shorter than me?) There is a sticky, desk calendar on the dash and a Dora the Explorer doll in the floor. I literally jump out of the vehicle. (At this point, I must be in some sort of fiction drama... I have landed in TV land, because this cannot be happening. What if my vehicle is gone? Someone switched my car....)

Okay. I'm dramatic. My car was on the next row over, and I got inside... turned the A/C on high, peeled off my suit coat and laughed at my morning. What a Monday! And all before noon!

An hour and a half drive back to the office, all of which I am becoming increasingly more uncomfortable. No matter how I squirm in the car, I cannot get comfortable. My back aches, my sides hurt, my stomach is uncomfortable. Nothing is right. And... oh my goodness. With the morning I've had, I just realized... I haven't been feeling EK. She always moves all day long (when I'm up and busy). Where is she? I drink cold water. I poke. Nothing. OMG!

Just before I get to the office, I call the doctor's office (which is an hour away and in the same town where I live... not work). She's out of town, but the nurse says to come in just before 5 and she'll check heart tones.

I do as I'm told. DH meets me at the doctor's office. The nurse is wonderful like always. She found the heart. 154bpm. Said it sounded strong and steady. Told me to take a warm bath, 2 Tylenol, eat good and rest (on my left side). If I'm still worried in the morning, she'll get me in to the see the doctor.

I followed her advice. During the night, DH even woke me up because I was sleeping on my back, to tell me to "turn this way, baby." (Obviously, to my left.) Haha. You have to love an informed husband. Haha. But this morning, when I woke up... still ridiculously sore. I'm hoping that gets better, but E.K.'s busy again today (not quite as busy but still busy) so I'm feeling some better. Eager for my regular appointment next week (and an ultrasound).... but I'll never be eager for another Monday like yesterday.

UGH. ;)

Planning.

2010-08-29T19:28:00.000-05:00

I know. I know. I'm a terrible blogger. I'm just in a weird place... blog-wise. I have no major drama. I don't have any major stresses going on. I started this blog as an outlet for heartache and now my heartache is gone. It's been replaced with overwhelming joy.

I have passed "the Hump." The halfway mark is behind me. In other words, I have rocked along and am now through with more of this pregnancy, than I have left to complete. I can't decide if it's flown by or drug on. I suppose it depends on the focus. If I think of how ready I am to hold EK in my arms, then it seems to take forever, but if I think of the past 20 1/2 weeks, I guess it's gone by pretty quickly.

I'm so overwhelmed at how madly in love I am with this little person. She moves constantly now, and I adore it. It's my favorite part of every day. I know they say that now is time to start talking to her, but I struggle with that because she feels like such a part of me that I have to remind myself... Just because I'm thinking it doesn't mean she's hearing it. I suppose I'm already convinced that my beautiful daughter has ESP. ;)

Meanwhile, the journey to the nursery has begun. I still cannot make myself commit to the crib, but that's okay. There's way too much to do before then. We let my stepdaughter pick out her own paint color and redid the guest room for her. Her old bedroom will become the nursery. So her room has been started and finished, cleaned out and moved. And now the nursery is ready for its purpose... as soon as I make myself clean it out. It was nice having that extra room and I'm still not sure where all of the "extra" stuff is going to go, but at least we're down to small stuff - no "extra" furniture.

I was going to post pictures, but that seems kind of exhausting at this moment. I've chosen some wall art for the nursery and I have the color picked out. I've bought bedding. And this week I ordered a necklace from Julie the Fish Designs. I'm so excited about it and can't wait to get it in. It's got my little honey's name on it and some other little things. She has some amazing designs if you ever get a chance to check her out.

Meanwhile, Wednesday is 21 weeks. It doesn't really seems real. Still another week and a half until my next appointment. I hardly know what to think with this new "regular" schedule. I'm going every four weeks now, just like normal people. Haha. She did say that I could come in any time, if I started freaking out.

But you'll be happy to know that I've only had one little freak out since my last appointment. Friday night, I was laying around and thought... I don't think I've felt her moving in a while. Oh no! What's wrong? What if she's not okay....... So needless to say, my little, sweet one got some pokes and some cold water too. Guess what? She was still there, still okay and probably very unhappy with her Mommy.

Madly, Head-Over-Heels, IN LOVE...

2010-08-15T21:56:00.000-05:00

My appointment was at 10 a.m. on Wednesday. The ultrasound before mine didn't go very smoothly. There was apparently a problem which meant the technician had to do a little more looking than normal. While I waited, the nurse poked her head out and said, "Well?" (They'd be anxiously awaiting the gender too.) But I told her I still hadn't gone back. She made an ugly face and said she'd check.

Then, I had to pee. I'd had to pee for a while, but I suddenly REALLY had to pee. As I started to the bathroom, I ran into my doctor. She'd had to leave the clinic for a delivery and was already back. I commented on the fast delivery and she laughed and started towards the door and turned back... "Hey! What do we have?" I said, "I don't know. I'm still waiting, but right now I'm going to pee before I explode." Haha.

When I came out of the bathroom, I didn't know if I was going to pass out or throw up. I was so anxious. I spent my entire life wanting a little boy, until the week after I found out I was pregnant, when I became absolutely convinced that I was having a girl. And from that moment on, only a baby girl would do.

Within five minutes, I was in the ultrasound room. As she started the ultrasound, she said, "Okay. I'm going to push a little and I know your bladder is full." I interrupted with, "No, I'm okay. I just went to the bathroom." She said, "No, I'm looking at it. It's full." Haha. I suppose it stays that way these days.

We looked at the four chambers of the heart, the head, the brain, the nutrients going into the umbilical cord, the toes and finally.... as I saw the bones from hip to knee, I see a perfect shot of her beautiful little girl parts.

I'm having a BABY GIRL.

I announced it before the technician could and immediately the tears began to fall. I was already in love but now, my heart is absolutely in pain I am in such love. I can hardly contain myself, waiting to hold her in my arms in January.

I wiped tears the rest of the time and looked at my beautiful baby girl. I've watched the video of the ultrasound at least 10 times since then. (I'm including some pictures, but they are pictures of pictures, so again, not the best quality. You'll get the idea though.)

Dr. P was thrilled with everything. She was very pleased with my weight, still thinks I'll have no trouble bouncing right back after the baby, and said she just couldn't find anything to fuss, complain or even be concerned about.

And... if you'll remember, I was worried about how much weight I'd gained since I'd popped. Turns out, in those three weeks, I gained two pounds. Nothing shocking there, which puts me gaining 7 pounds in the first 18 weeks. I think that's right on schedule so I'm not beating myself up anymore. I'm already ready to see her again. She's so perfect!

Mind Games

2010-08-06T09:40:00.000-05:00

The past week or two has been tough and not for any real reason that I care to admit, but... What is this blog for anyway? Um, hello? All the embarrassing stuff, things I don't even tell most of my IRL friends - and also a place where someone out there usually understands what I'm saying and has felt the same way, at some point.

The self-destructive ME brain is having a power struggle with the "ohmygoodness I still can't believe I'm pregnant but I am" brain. Now that I am officially, undeniably pregnant, the "pleasedon'teverletmebefat" mentality is taking over.

I step out of the shower or pull myself out of the tub... straight into the view of a wall length mirror and I am always briefly taken aback. I already weigh more than I've ever weighed, and I find myself obsessing. "Okay, ME, think back. When so-and-so was pregnant, was she this obviously pregnant at four months?" I rack my brain for a long time and realize that I never paid much attention to how far along people were, never counted pregnancies in weeks, and was always over eager for my friends belly's to become obvious. (That is, before IF). But still. I was happy for their bellies (but always definitely felt sorry for them when they had swollen faces and/or feet).

I don't have too much to compare my four-month size to other than the two ladies at my church who are expecting. All three of us are due within a ten day period. For Lady #1, this is her third. She's not overly tiny and I really don't look at her and think ... pregnant... yet. Lady #2 is 20 years old, 5'10" (I may be stretching this a bit, but she's really tall) and she has a little bump but it's still hard to tell if it's baby or just her body shape. Then there's me... all 5'0" of me and I am... well... pregnant.

The way I walk, sit, stand, etc. has changed. I am above average when it comes to being flexible and I often sit in my desk chair... Indian-style, on my feet, with one foot in my chair, and well, you get it... the list goes on and on. (Part of my terrible ergonomics come from the fact that my feet don't always comfortable reach the floor). BUT... my positions are already becoming increasingly more uncomfortable because my belly is in the way.

Here's the kicker. I'm not REALLY complaining. I'm okay for the time being, but I have never lived in the present. I always focus on the future. I'm a planner, an obsessive future-thinker, and I am terrified of what the next five months will bring. I secretly envision my belly exploding... literally. When I'm feeling really panicked, I imagine myself choking on my many organs that have been shoved upward due to the growing baby. Haha.

I do realize that this is a totally random post, but I'm also amazed at how conflicted my brain has become. I am madly in love with belly, in absolute awe of the little person that is occupying that space and absolutely over-the-moon about getting to hold him/her in my arms in five months, but then there's the dark side - haha - the part that ... well, thinks my stomach might blow up before those five months has passed.

Yes, I've Been M.I.A.

2010-08-03T14:30:00.000-05:00

But I'm back.

At 15 weeks, I had an ultrasound, and the doctor tried diligently to see if she could tell if we had a cute little girl or a handsome little boy... all to no avail. The baby had his/her mouth open the whole time, and I said... "That's my baby" since rarely is my mouth not open. I'm a talker. Then, his/her little hands went straight between his/her legs, and I said, "That's B's baby." Haha. I knew that would get a laugh from the doctor and the nurse. Dr. P felt certain that she would have been able to tell the gender if we would've been at the other office, with the grandiose equipment that they guarantee will tell you the gender if you want to know.

Then, during the 16th week, we went on vacation. And one morning, I woke up to

THIS

17 weeks tomorrow, and one week from tomorrow... I'll know what colors I'm shopping for.

14 Weeks

2010-07-14T11:43:00.001-05:00

How Far Along: 14 weeks

Maternity Clothes: Still no maternity clothes. I guess when I'm literally bursting through the seams of my regular clothing, then I will bite the bullet and buy maternity. That being said, I'm not wearing anything that shows that I have a pooch. I'm very self conscious about it, as it still appears that I've been in the donuts. When it looks like a pregnant belly, then I may just be arrogant about it, but until then....

Stretch Marks: None yet. Still hoping there are few to none, but I'll take a million to get my little one here.

Sleep: I think that I may be less sleepy now, but I am still just as tired. I feel like I could lay around all day - if only I were able. Haha.

Best Moment of the Week: This is sad, but the highlight of my week thus far, was talking to the nurse for 20 minutes yesterday. My doctor is on vacation and I was calling to ask/talk/attempt to change an appointment, and our conversation continued to every other topic imaginable - baby names, feeling the baby, finding out the gender, c-sections, different hospitals, and well you get it....

Movement: I haven't felt it yet. The nurse thinks that because I have a smaller frame that I will feel him/her earlier, but also threw out the disclaimer that other factors are involved and some people don't feel the baby until 20 weeks or later. I am ready NOW. (Note to Baby: Dear Baby, I will never be mad at you for kicking Mommy, as long as you're doing in while in my belly. In fact, I welcome those kicks, so you just give it all you've got, Little One.)

Food Cravings: Still watermelon and breadsticks, not at the same time though.

Gender: I still think it's a girl. I even had my second "It's a girl!" dream last night. But we have names picked out for both, and we don't have a preference. We're both madly in love with the baby in my belly, regardless of its gender. Because I think it's a girl, the nurse thinks it will be a boy. Four weeks until we know for sure.

What I Miss Most: My weekly ultrasounds, but I'm trying to be a "normal" patient now. Less than a week away from seeing my little one, and I can hardly wait! It cannot get here fast enough!

What I'm Looking Forward To: (same as last week) I'm very anxious to see my little one again (July 20), and the week after that is vacation, and then one week after vacation, we have our FIND OUT appointment. Lots of big things coming up and I'm excited about all of them!

Weekly Wisdom: The second trimester and reading all of the material associated with the second trimester, which talks about the "honeymoon trimester" and how "You should probably be feeling better by now..." shouldn't get you down, if you're still puking your guts up, peeing every hour (or more) and can't find any foods that sound good. Apparently, those things may also last forever. You're not weird.

Milestones: Second trimester!

Emotions: Same as always. I'm a roller coaster, and I can go through all of the emotions in one day, but that's just a reminder of the perfect little one who is on his/her way.

Hoping for new pictures for Week 15. ;)

13 Weeks (with a belly shot)

2010-07-09T10:40:00.002-05:00

How Far Along: 13 weeks (and 2 days)

Maternity Clothes: This little issue is causing some stress in my life at present. (For simplicity sake and because I don't like typing DH, from now on, I'm referring to my wonderful husband as "B.") Last night, B and I went to look at nursery furniture and maternity clothes. We purchased NOTHING. I tried on clothes and just wasn't convinced at how they needed to fit. I think the solution is larger than normal clothes for a while longer. I've been making work clothes suffice for now, but I have nothing to wear on vacation which is two weeks away. I like to be in sleeveless stuff on vaca and I've recently realized that my sleeveless shirts are all too short. Haha. How did that happen?

Stretch Marks: Nope and you can't know how badly I'm afraid of them. I would be thrilled to my inner core if they would stay away, but I suppose they're a small price to pay for my little miracle. I am beginning to face reality that at 5'0", my belly is more-likely-than-not going to be growing a LOT (as "out" is the only place my little one will have to go) and ~~stress~~ stretch marks may be inevitable.

Sleep: I adore sleep. I really do. I could sleep most days away if life allowed it; however, somewhere around 3 a.m., I am always awake. That's generally when the first bathroom trip occurs and then it's every hour or two after that. I'm not complaining but man, I do love sleep! Pregnancy has only made me love it more!

Best Moment of the Week: I have arrived to the coveted second trimester!... and yet the peeing and morning sickness remain.

Movement: I know he/she is moving, but I can't feel it. I am SO ready for that moment!

Food cravings: Fruit! Watermelon in particular! I'm coming around to the sweets, which I wasn't real big on at first, but I still can't do meat very well.

Gender: I'm still convinced that we're having a baby girl, but neither of us have a preference so there's no possible way to be disappointed.

What I Miss: I'm attempting to be a "big girl" and decided to go THREE weeks between ultrasounds/appointments. I'm halfway there, and hoping I can stay sane for the next week and a half. ;)

What I'm Looking Forward To: I'm very anxious to see my little one again (July 20), and the week after that is vacation, and then one week after vacation, we have our FIND OUT appointment. Lots of big things coming up and I'm excited about all of them!

Weekly Wisdom: Even though, you think it's perfectly safe to climb a few feet up a fence to hang a sign (for a softball team), other people might not. Not only will you get in trouble for climbing a few feet up the fence, but you will also get in trouble for lifting your hands above your head to hang the sign. This is a losing battle. Give up. Let someone else do it. It's not even worth it. Haha.

Milestones: Second trimester!

Emotions: As usual - scared, excited, nervous, and the list goes on and on. I did have a meltdown late last week. I knew, from the moment I got home from work that I needed to cry. Nothing was wrong. I had no real reason. So that night when I stubbed my pinky toe, I took full advantage of the situation. I sat in the floor and sobbed. B kept asking to see my toe, and I was like... "You can't even tell. It doesn't hurt that bad." (all among the sobs). And we wonder why men can't figure us out. Haha.

NOW FOR PICTURES... let's start with the picture from Week 5.......

And here is the picture from Week 13. I angled it so you could get a better idea. The side shot wasn't looking bumpish. It just looks thick. Haha.

That Word You Don't Want to Hear....

2010-07-01T15:21:00.000-05:00

when trying to conceive....

First, let me say that this is inspired by Krissi at Stress Free Infertility. After reading her post today, I had to do one of my own.

I'm sure there are previous posts on my blog where I ranted and raved about people telling me to relax, etc. - You know... al the crap that you don't want to hear because let's face it... It is ~~difficult~~ absolutely impossible to relax when you are taking pills on certain days, having injections at certain times, driving hours (one way) to a specialist, being violated by Wandy multiple times per month, and peeing on sticks just so you'll know when to have sex. (And many other hoops that I know many of you jump through....)

That being said, I got pregnant on a "break" so of course I joked that "I guess I just had to relax."

Of course that is NOT the case, and I don't want to be the one on the record as saying that I relaxed and my reward was two beautiful lines. I know that my body had to be taught how to function, and I am grateful that my IF problem, in the grand scheme of things, was a small one. (That being said, 6 months ago, nothing about this situation felt small to me).

I didn't ovulate. I hadn't ovulated ... honestly, as far as we know.... EVER. My regular obgyn referred to any episodes of "bleeding" as "the bottom falling out" but nothing related to an ovulatory cycle - hence the approximately twice a year "period." (In other words, our bodies have to get rid of junk at some point, even when we don't ovulate).

I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news to everyone who is able to "relax" and thinks its the miracle cure for infertility, but when you don't ovulate (or when you have blocked tubes, your spouse has zero sperm, and the list goes on) you aren't going to get pregnant by relaxing.

I started with four rounds of Clomid (unmonitored, no trigger shots). I may or may not have ovulated during that time period. Who knows? Once or twice, I did get a positive OPK test. Just as my regular obgyn was discussing an IUI, the Clomid didn't do its job and the IUI was canceled because I never ovulated.

On to the reproductive endocrinologist... 2 hours away.

New fertility drug. Femara. "Keep using OPKs. Come back on cycle day 15." Ultimately discovered that even though the medicine was producing beautiful follicles, they were NOT willing to release an egg. The egg wanted to stay there until it rotted in the follicle apparently, so on to trigger shots.

So let me get this straight? Not only did my body NOT like to form follicles, but even when I made it form follicles, the stupid eggs weren't releasing. To be a fairly intelligent human being, I was beginning to realize that my body was the dumb part of me.

Rocking on.... fourth cycle of Femara. HSG - all clear. I'm losing my mind because these pills are making me fat (13 pounds in 9 months) and I'm still not pregnant, and I JUST CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

Ah.... a break!

*************** Pause for background ***************

I am choosing this moment to tell you that from the very beginning, my RE discussed his regular protocol. 3 rounds of medicated/monitored cycles, 3 IUIs and then to IVF. However, it was his opinion right off the bat that hubby and I could eventually do this on our own - in the most natural way. This makes me laugh because how natural is a medicated/monitored cycle? Certainly NOT the most natural way.

After 3 medicated cycles, I wasn't ready to move forward to IUI. It seemed scary - not sure why. I wanted to do another medicated cycle - or two. He thought that was a great idea and was still convinced that if I was patient (aaagggghhhh!) that we would do this on our own. (Again, the fact that I'm in his office means it's not on our own. Haha. The irony of infertility.) When I finally decided to take a break, he thought that was a great idea too. He said, "Sometimes we encourage breaks - just because this is so mentally, emotionally and even physically draining." The plan was... May? June? IUI?

************************************************

March came. I wasn't pregnant, and I had a glass of wine and started the diet (pills). I tanned like a mad woman, went about with self-destructive eating habits - over indulged in Mountain Dew, and essentially loved every minute of it. Then, exacty 28 days later, AF arrived. WHAT??? Did my body actually learn from the forced repetition? Did drugs and injections teach it to act like a freakin' normal body? Ha! This is too good to be true!

Break continues. I'm falling in love with the break. Maybe I'll go back for an IUI in June. Regardless, more wine. More diet. More tanning. 35 days passed... still no AF. Day 36 - all the weirdness that I've already posted about here - and I'M FREAKIN' PREGNANT. This is too good to be true - so it must not be true. (Well, you get it... My train of thought was all over the place and I didn't smile until my sweet and excited husband reminded me that "This is a good thing. Smile!" Utter shock!).

So... did I relax? Probably not. I didn't think about getting pregnant, but my personality is not one that is EVER relaxed. Did I put my feet up at all that month, after being intimate with my husband? Nope. Was I ever in a missionary position during the month of April? I can assure you that I was not. Did I do all the things that I never wanted to do while a little one was growing inside of me? Absolutely.

Does God sometimes have a sense of humor? Yes.
Is His timing perfect, even when He doesn't check my calendar first? Of course it is.

While some people say that "relaxing" is the answer and may even think that "relaxing" is how I got pregnant, I assure you it's not. I will forever believe that this little miracle came from God, and He did this, at this time, because He knew I wouldn't be able to take any of the credit, and THAT was a lesson that I needed to learn.

Disclaimer: I do not think that IUIs, IVF or any other procedures are wrong. It was certainly on my "to do" list. I am also NOT saying that if you have to go through any of the other, that it's because God is punishing you. I can't even think of all the disclaimers that should go here. This was just a very personal thing for me, and it was a lesson that I was definitely in need of. God used infertility as a vehicle to teach this lesson because He knew it was one of the only areas that I would learn from... if that makes any sense. I'm not suggesting that infertility is a "lesson" for anyone else or that anyone else is being punished/rewarded by God. I'm just explaining MY particular situation (which has turned into far too much rambling).

My Perfect Angel

2010-06-29T16:07:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow, I'll be 12 weeks pregnant. I had my FIFTH ultrasound today and saw my little one.

Still not the greatest quality picture - a picture of a picture, but you get the idea. On the right, her little face is looking straight at us, and her left arm is beside her face. We got to watch wiggle for a long time, and I've decided to go THREE weeks before my next appointment, and three weeks after that.... we find out if "she" is a boy or a girl.

If my gut feeling is wrong, then I'll go ahead and apologize to my little guy, but I'm still thinking she's a she. ;)

The Shopping Trip

2010-06-28T09:01:00.001-05:00

I knew that a shopping trip was in the near future, and when I got dressed on Saturday, it was obvious that the time had come. My poor little 32B was just no longer an option.

Hubby and I went to Dillards and the process began....

I hate bra shopping. They're expensive and I feel about like buying bras like I do about buying new tires. Sure, I need them, but seriously... can't I just keep the ones I have forever. It's like spending money without actually getting anything.

Not to mention that I am 28 years old and have NEVER (yes, you are reading this correctly) bought a bra. My Mom, even after I was married, always filled Christmas stockings, Valentine's Day goody bags and Easter baskets with cute underwear and bras, and I never had to buy my own.

She died two years ago, which means that my last new bras were from Easter 2008. How sad is that! I hadn't even realized it until I had to go on this shopping trip.

As I stood in the dressing room, I just wanted to cry. The harsh reality of all the moments during this pregnancy that she won't be here to share with me.

I left with a regular bra and a strapless bra and know I'll be shopping again in no time, but for now... I'm good. The only problem is that as I stared at the new purchases, sitting in my dresser, I wondered if they would fit on my head. Funny that I've never thought a "C" was a big bra, until I was looking at one with regard to my chest. Now it seems gigantic! Haha.

Things an Amazon Cart Can Tell You...

2010-06-24T16:02:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what an Amazon shopping cart can tell you.

In January 2009, I added these books, because after all, I was certain that I was going to get pregnant immediately and I was looking for ways to announce it to my family.

Then came April 2009, and OF COURSE I was going to have a baby... I was certain I would find out any day that I was pregnant. (I'm actually lying. Before I ever started trying to get pregnant, my gut feeling was that I was going to have problems.) But still being an optimist... I needed to find a book for my stepdaughter and one for my husband, when I told them.

I actually ordered "My Boys Can Swim" then and kept it for 13 months before I was able to give it to my sweet husband, who didn't catch on at first.... just exactly what I was telling him.

And then came the fall.... September of 2009, and the books I added to my shopping cart were these....

And this online shopping time, resulted in the purchase of "Hannah's Hope" - phenomenal book! Very reassuring!

And now, for the book that's been in my cart since April 2009, I think it's time to purchase this:

What a journey my Amazon shopping cart has been on!

11 Weeks!!!!

2010-06-23T11:54:00.001-05:00

Maternity Clothes: Not yet. In fact, the last week or two, I've felt smaller than I felt before. My pants are buttoning better - not my size 2s but what I've always called my "fat pants" for bloated days. (E.g. the khaki colored pants from my 5 wks belly picture? They button again. Whew.) And for those that don't, there's the bella band, but I think I should've bought a bigger size. I don't like anything "fitting" to my stomach right now.

Sleep: I NEED MORE. I am absolutely - physically, mentally and emotionally - exhausted. My husband and stepdaughter have started the All-Star softball season, which means that we go non-stop. I'm averaging six hours of sleep a night right now, and I need more. I am looking forward to tonight because we have nothing planned. (Hallelujah Chorus begins to play....)

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing as how last Friday is still technically within a week of today, then of course I have to say... Getting to see my sweet little miracle move! It was pure bliss, and I am forever in love!

Movement: I have a wiggle worm, but I can't feel her/him. I am so anxious for that time though.

Food Cravings: I love COLD stuff. I don't drink anything without putting it in the freezer first. I like cold fruit, etc. I am also loving bread, pizza, and thinks of that nature. My child is going to come out as a starch. Today, I am pining away for some purple hull peas, corn and/or cornbread. Maybe that's what I'll have for supper. ;)

Gender: Still absolutely convinced he/she is a SHE. I read that Moms are right 71% of the time. IntelliGender said girl. Chinese gender predictor said girl. I'll be shocked if it's not, but I don't have a preference, so either gender will be absolutely perfect.

What I Miss: Honestly? The tanning bed. I stay too busy to get in much quality time laying out, etc. Plus, it's been ridiculously HOT! The heat index was 110 degrees yesterday. Add that to 100% humidity and outside is MISERABLE. I suppose I'm in for a pale summer. ;)

What I’m Looking Forward To: My next ultrasound. It's next Tuesday, and I'm hoping that my husband can be there for this one. He's been to almost all of them (which is a lot to expect of him since I'm having basically weekly ultrasounds), but he was picking stepdaughter up from Vacation Bible School last time and missed it... barely. I'm ready for him to get to see our little person moving all over too.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm at a total loss right here. I have no idea... Other than, maybe a woman's intuition isn't always right. I was so worried last week and for absolutely no reason at all. My weekly wisdom should be... Don't worry until there's reason to worry. (Easier said than done).

Emotions: They've been all over the place this week. Everything has made me teary. Of course, I cried when I saw my little one move. I got teary watching Toy Story 3. But lately, the source of my tears has been utter exhaustion. I'm hoping if I can get some rest this week, I'll perk up a little.

I'm still amazed that this is actually happening, still scared, but I am also letting myself get excited. One of the many negatives associated with infertility is knowing just how often bad happens. I am so happy for all the many health pregnancies in our blog world, but my heart hurts for all the losses that we've seen lately. No matter how good things are, you can never escape knowing that bad happens to everyone, at any time, and it never gets easier to accept. I am trying to move past the logical, the knowledgeable, and just get to a place of joy. If the sky falls there (in my place of joy), then it will be painful, but it's going to painful anyway so I might as well let myself experience the joy.

Moved... to Tears

2010-06-20T20:45:00.000-05:00

In the middle of the night, ~~Tuesday night~~ Wednesday morning (around 2 a.m.), I woke up in a panic. At that moment, you could not have convinced me that things were okay. Was I bleeding? No. Had I even been spotting? No.

I'd been at the ballpark watching our friends' little girl play T-ball and it was SO hot. I was still in a dress and heels from work, and I truly felt like I was melting in a puddle. After going home and cooking dinner (which I never do), and taking a shower, it ended up being after 11 before I went to bed. I was tired and crampy and just could not get comfortable.

So when I woke up at 2, still uncomfortable and crampy (achy is probably a better word), I freaked. My positive train of thought was gone. It had been almost two weeks since I'd been able to see that everything was okay with my Little Love, and I was losing it.

Not to mention that I hadn't been sick in almost a week. I was feeling better and it seemed awfully early to be over morning sickness.

And then Thursday came... and that was my sickest day ever. I threw up all evening, used Phenergen (sp?) gel so I could go to another T-ball game and went home after it, sick again.

And finally Friday. Appointment day. Ultrasound day.

When Dr. P (who could also be referred to as Hero, Angel, and well you get it...) came in, I said, "Let's just look first. We'll talk later. I have a really bad feeling. Tuesday night, I really started feeling like I'm not pregnant anymore."

Dr. P: "Okay. You're freaking me out. Let's look........" (Pause). "Look a' there. You're perfect."

And... despite the horrendous quality of the picture, there's my Little Love at 10 weeks and 2 days, measuring 10 weeks and 3 days, which is perfect! Two precious little eyes. Do you see them? A perfect button nose. Do you love it? Two arms, two legs, and all of him/her MOVES!

As my sweet angel did flips and showed off for the cameras, the tears finally came.

There's a baby in there, and it's my baby! And my baby has arms and legs and moves!!!!

I am totally and completely and just madly in love!!!!

That Moment

2010-06-14T16:56:00.000-05:00

I've spent so much time consumed with fear (during the past almost 5 weeks) that I haven't really had that OH MY GOSH! I'M PREGNANT! moment.... until Friday.

As I drove home from work, tears started streaming down my face, as I think I finally realized....

I'm having a baby. This perfect little person who I have written to and loved for years is with me everywhere I go. I am already living my life for a little person, and while my heart still beats inside my body, it's not in my chest anymore. At the moment, my life is complete. And what is so funny to me is that I know I'll have this very same epitome (with a whole new meaning) in less than seven months, when I'm looking at my perfect little person and holding him/her in my arms.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still deathly afraid, especially since I skipped last week's appointment (not thinking I'm going to do that again), but I finally had that overwhelming moment when I let it be real and acknowledged my new reality.

9 Weeks

2010-06-09T15:48:00.001-05:00

(What a difference 4 weeks and 1 pound can make. The pants in my 5 week picture don't even fasten anymore).

MATERNITY CLOTHES: None yet, but I haven't buttoned my pants in weeks. I did purchase a few new (what I like to call) "fat shirts." They're much more comfortable for my ever growing boobs and expanding waistline. I'm very self conscious about my stomach right now and would prefer nothing touching it (this includes clothes and people).

STRETCH MARKS: None yet. I coat myself in Palmer's Cocoa Butter at least once a day. If you have any other suggestions for ways to make them stay away, please share.

SLEEP: I wish I could sleep all the time. I'm averaging almost 8 hours every night, if you don't count the 2-3 pee interruptions during the night. It has become virtually impossible to drag myself out of bed on time, and in the afternoon, I wish that a nap fairy would walk through my office door and tell me to just close my eyes. To date, there has been no nap fairy. I'll keep hoping though.

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK: This is so strange, but the greatest moment has been realizing that my stomach is pooching. That was also one of my more emotional moments. If you've read past posts, then I'm sure you know that weight is a tough battle for me. I am terrified of being fat, and while the Mommy part of me adores the little pooch, the psycho part of me is feeling increasingly insecure. (Please don't judge. I can't wait to have a big pregnant belly, but I worry that it's growing too fast and then I start to worry about stretch marks and whether or not the weight will leave after my little one arrives). Still it was a happy moment when I saw the difference that four weeks and a pound can make.

MOVEMENT: None that I can feel.

FOOD CRAVINGS: There is typically ONE thing that I want, that I can't get enough of, and that I could eat every single day. Week 6 was mashed potatoes. That carried over into week 7. Week 8 was lightly buttered toast. This week is ham & cheese hot pockets, with the ham picked out. But once I get over the weekly food, I never want to see it again (e.g. mashed potatoes).

GENDER: I am still absolutely convinced that it's a girl; however, neither one of us have a preference. In a week or two, I'll see what IntelliGender says, but it'll still be almost two months until we know from an ultrasound (if we can tell then).

WHAT I MISS: I miss being able to eat as I choose - whether it be skipping meals or eating too much. I miss eating whatever I want, drinking Mountain Dew and Coke and I miss energy.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: I'm definitely looking forward to IntelliGender, getting through this trimester, and my next ultrasound.

WEEKLY WISDOM: Mornings that involve puking my guts up are much easier on me (though miserable for a moment) than the mornings when I just stay unbelievably nauseous.

EMOTIONS: Good grief. They have been all over the place. I am terrified. I am still waiting for the sky to fall, but I am trying to do better. This is the first weekly post that I've allowed myself to do because I'm terrified of the worst. Meanwhile, I'm so self-conscious about the pooching belly and pale skin (because I cannot get in the tanning bed and if I lay out to tan outside, I get too hot which leads to nausea and well... you get it....) that I dream about my husband being repulsed by me. (Before you hate him, that's so far from the truth. He's absolutely in love with all the areas that are growing. Haha. When I showed him the picture from 5 weeks and the picture from 9 weeks, his whole face lit up. He's wonderful!)

And... there's no good place to put this, but last night I experience indigestion for the first time in my life. In fact, I didn't even know what it was. I just knew I was miserable. I hope this is not a predictor of things to come. Haha.

Have I mentioned that I'm such a baby? I really am absolutely ecstatic, but I'm still so afraid to the point that sometimes this doesn't even seem real. I told one of my best friends the other day that I don't think "normal people" stress about miscarriage this much. It just seems that when you face infertility, pregnancy is something that seems too good to be true. While there's a piece of me that thinks we appreciate everything a little more, it also seems unfair that there is so much fear attached to this bliss. I anxiously await the day when I can truly realize and accept that all these symptoms, emotions, etc. are worth it, because this is all real. It's all happening. And I'm really ~~going to be~~ a Mommy.

Symptoms, you ask?

2010-06-08T15:02:00.000-05:00

When I was trying to get pregnant, I always wondered how I would know, what symptoms I would have, what symptoms most people had, and so on.

On every blog and in every forum, I asked the newly pregnant women... What symptoms did you have?

Well here's that post... the post on symptoms.

May 3 (or in our world... CD27/and what I now know was 13dpo), I started being crampy. I was a little worried. It wasn't really AF cramps. It was just weird cramps - enough to make me feel yuck, and that lasted for the following week and still occurs occasionally during the day.

May 6 (CD30/16dpo), I drove four hours to my brother's graduation. (Packed all my essentials because I expected AF any day). He kept me up and out late. I had eaten a poptart that morning but nothing else the rest of the day. When we got to the professional baseball game that night, I was so hungry that I didn't know if I was going to cry, throw up or pass out. (That's a little uncommon for me because my eating habits are horrible and normally I would've been okay to wait a little longer). We went to a late movie that night, and I ended up sleeping like 2 hours that ~~night~~ morning, which is why the next few days, I wasn't surprised to be absolutely exhausted (only it continued).

May 10 (CD34/20dpo), I had Court. My client had cut himself that morning while shaving. Keep in mind, he takes blood thinners. So the blood would not stop. I finally had to step out of the court house for air. I thought he was going to bleed out and die and then I was going to throw up on top of him. It was bad.

That night, I rolled over in my sleep - flat on my stomach, and I woke myself up because my boobs hurt so badly. (Still just assumed that AF was surely about to arrive).

May 11 (CD35/21dpo). I had Court an hour and a half away. As I drove, I looked at the calendar and discovered that it was CD35. I was so tired and my boobs were so sore, and I had quit wearing white because I KNEW AF was coming.

My friend said... "You might be pregnant." I said, "Um, no. In fact, I don't even think I want to be pregnant right now." (Remember... Type A. If I didn't do it, plan it, have control of it, then I'm not ready for it. Haha.)

When I got back into town that evening, I stopped at the drug store and bought a box of 2 tests. I went home, peed in a cup... and the very dark line appeared. Ha. I knew it. I've seen a million of these before - only then it hit me. There's not supposed to be a first line. There's only supposed to be a second line. OMG! I'M PREGNANT!

And that's when my sweet husband got home from work. Pants still unbuttoned, I walked into the kitchen with a book I purchased over a year ago. My Boys Can Swim.

ME: I bought this book so long ago, and I had planned to do more with it, but this didn't happen how I planned it.

HIM: (He looks at the book). So what are we supposed to do? (As in he thought this was some new "How to Get Pregnant" book. Haha.)

ME: We're pregnant.

HIM: Are you serious? Well, smile! This is a good thing!

I was so totally shocked that I forgot that this is exactly what I had been aching for... for so long, until he reminded me to smile. It caught me off guard, and even now, there's a part of me that has a hard time smiling because I'm a little bit... waiting for the sky to fall. It just seems to good to be true, but with each passing week, I am letting myself smile a little more.

P.S. - The nausea? Yeah, that hit at exactly six weeks to the day. It's still there, as are the sore (but ever growing) boobs and the utter exhaustion. But I'm having a baby, and that makes all the other crap okay.

Uncle.

2010-05-28T11:14:00.000-05:00

This post is two-fold. First of all, I'm still thrilled that my only sibling, my little brother (who is taller than me and as we get older, seems to be getting closer to my age) is going to be an uncle. He's going to be great! In fact, he was basically the first person I told our happy news to (after my husband of course).

He's almost exactly on the opposite side of the world right now, and I can hardy stand him being gone. He left two days after I found out I was pregnant, and will be back in one week. I am beyond ready. He's been on a mission trip - with no electricty and no running water. My little brother has a wonderful heart for God and for sharing God's word, and I am very grateful!

Now then... Uncle Part 2.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my second ultrasound. Have I mentioned that I love my doctor for letting me be a basketcase and understanding me? How great is it getting to see my little angel weekly?!?!

Here's a picture. Sorry for the blur, but as long as I'm on the small machine, it doesn't save the pictures to CD so she prints like 10 for me, but I don't have them on disc. Haha.

As you can see, my little Angel is 1 cm long, and his/her little heart is beating 145 beats per minute. I'm such a proud Mom. Isn't it funny how such a little blob can already be so perfect in my eyes? I really do think it's a beautiful little blob. Haha.

And isn't it also funny how a little person who is 1 cm long can cause some major changes in a grown up's body. I have been so unbelievably nauseous. And this might sound slightly like I'm complaining because I kind of am... except that I've wanted to be in this position for so long that I can't, in good conscience, complain, but wow. 1cm makes my boobs hurt so badly that I could cry. 1cm makes me want to stay in bed all day. 1cm makes me hate food and yet be absolutely starving for food at the very same time. 1cm has made me become close friends with the toilet. But ... at the end of the day, that 1cm is my little Angel Baby, and I am such a fan. I would do all of this a million times over - all the fertility meds, all the tears, all the weight gain (from fertility meds)... and even this horrid nausea - I would do it all repeatedly for this little person.

HOWEVER... my doctor is very progressive? Is that a good word. After three children herself - three pregnancies which started with puking at week 7 and ended with the delivery, she is not against medication. When she offered it yesterday, I was feeling pretty tough. My appointment was at 9:30 and that's usually a good time of day, so I declined. I don't want to take any medication, blah, blah, blah. BUT... after yesterday evening, all night and this morning, I have decided that my baby will probably be a fan of Zofran and so I called her back this morning. That's where the second Uncle comes in. UNCLE! Make the nausea go away please. I give up the tough guy act. ;)

I'm hoping that it works because today is our anniversary - our fourth - and I want to feel good enough to go out to dinner and spend time with my husband tonight, without thinking I might throw up on him. After all, we have four years and our perfect little centimeter to celebrate.

I'm Having a Baby!

2010-05-21T14:15:00.000-05:00

Who knew just how much I really was enjoying this break?

In fact, how ironic is it that when I was writing my last blog post, I was 2-3 day pregnant. Haha! I love that!

You all know that after nine months of fertility drugs, February was my last month to take them. I needed a mental health break. And then AF showed on her own in April... and then.... I got pregnant!

I'm absolutely amazed. We did absolutely nothing that would make anyone think we were trying to get pregnant. We didn't use any certain position. I did NOT put my legs up after sex. Haha. I just ... I know... these words taste bitter as I'm about to say them, but... I just relaxed and didn't think about it.

I am assuming that my nine months on Clomid and/or Femara were like learning to ride a bike with training wheels. They taught my body what it was supposed to be doing, and then... when they were gone, my body got the hang of it.

I'd also like to think that God blessed me when I let go of the reigns and stopped trying to control the situation.

Regardless, I am very blessed and am feeling very fortunate... and very tired and very nauseous, but happy.

No real long post today. I'm still kind of basking in this news myself, but I will share some pictures....

This was the day I found out... May 11, 2010.

What I LOVE about that picture is that the darkest line is the PREGNANT line. So many times I've seen tests with a barely visible pregnant line and a dark "control" line, but I was already so pregnant that it didn't leave much guessing. Aren't those little lines beautiful???

And the very next day, I was 5 weeks pregnant!!!

Yesterday, at six weeks and one day pregnant, we had our first ultrasound and saw a perfect, beautiful little heartbeat.

We're due JANUARY 12.

And because my doctor is so wonderful and understands just how "Type A" I am, she's letting me come in every week for the first few weeks in an attempt to calm my nerves. She's wonderful!!!

We're both ecstatic! It's still very surreal and I can't seem to come down off of Cloud 9!

Hi! Remember me?

2010-04-23T14:19:00.000-05:00

I know. I have essentially vanished off the face of the blog world and have (for almost two months) lived solely IRL (in real life).

You won't believe this, but I still haven't bought OPKs. I just don't care. I don't want to know. Babymaking is so far away that I would probably panic if I actually got pregnant because I've not "planned" it for now.

For the benefit of this post, I just pulled out my calendar to see what cycle day this is. It'd CD17. I couldn't even tell you if I ovulated or if we BD'd when it mattered. I've been absolutely carefree in this aspect of my life, and I love it! That being said, I'm slightly miserable at the moment because my boobs hurt so badly. I was tempted to google it just to see if sore boobs are a symptom of ovulation, but really? I don't care.

Can you believe this is the same "Type A" that has written all of the previous posts? It's just that as I told my regular obgyn, "If you're not trying, you're not failing." That's been the good part. I have failed at nothing lately.

I suppose eventually, I may return to Dr. I, but how cool would it be if I was suddenly "regular" and could just do the normal "try for a year" without any treatment?

Miss you all. I have sporadically kept up with your posts, but mostly... I really have been M.I.A.
Sending hugs and well wishes!!!!

That "Dark" Time I Told You About... Turns Out, It Was...

2010-04-11T20:47:00.000-05:00

PMS

Yes, people, you heard right. After eleven months of trying to conceive - nine of them being medicated, I have taken one month off.

And this month, AF showed up on her very own... on cycle day 30, which is even more "on time" than a medicated/trigger shot cycle.

I called Dr. I's office (the RE), and Nurse Wonderful answered. She thought I was calling to tell her I was pregnant, but instead, I was telling her that....

I STARTED.

ALL ON MY OWN.

THAT'S CRAZY.

To which she responded, "That's YOU."

Haha. I love my doctor's office and I love his nurses - particularly Nurse Wonderful. She absolutely gets me.

So, month one of my break, and my body has behaved better than I could've imagined. Shall I use OPKs during month two of my "break"?

Show me some love. I think I'm out of the dark.

Back to the Doctor

2010-04-06T10:09:00.000-05:00

First, thank you all so much for your sweet, sincere and concerned comments. That being said, I feel like I should issue a disclaimer. Most of my more self-destructive behavior took place in high school and early college. I even told my regular obgyn, when I went for my preconception visit (over a year ago) that I had never had an eating disorder, but that I missed a good chance. (That came up when we were discussing what to eat/not eat when trying to get pregnant and/or while pregnant).

Of course, I still struggle with body image. What female doesn't, but it's nothing like it used to be. I'm much more in touch with my own immortality these days, and I don't like to do anything that could put my health is real jeopardy.

Now then.... moving on and past....

Some very close friends of ours are anticipating IVF next month. She's had multiple IUIs and went through infertility with her first husband and her current husband. As happy as I am for them, I sort of feel "behind." I feel lazy in my "Quest for Baby," but even that doesn't make me want to end my break yet. There's some real safety in this break. I'm not failing if I'm not trying. Right?

Today I go back to my regular gynecologist for my annual exam. This, just a little, makes me want to laugh out loud. I've been being examined all year long. It hardly seems fair that I have to go back again. Today is April 6. My last appointment with her was October 6. That was during my fourth round of Clomid. We discussed doing an IUI that week... and then I bailed. No explaination. No goodbye. No referral. I just bailed. That's when I decided to go to the RE (Dr. I).

This will be the first time, with Dr. P (I think I'll start calling her Dr. Pepper... the initials fit, right?) So... this will be the first, with Dr. Pepper, in more than a year and a half that I'm not going to talk to her about a baby. I'm not taking an outline to discuss. I'm not taking charts. I'm just going in for an exam, and there's a part of me that hopes that she doesn't even remember me (but she will), so that she doesn't ask how it's going and what we're doing, etc.

And in three days, it will be April 9. April 9 is the day that I tossed my birth control.
One year as an infertile. I just hope I don't make it to my second anniversary, without at least being pregnant.

Coming Out of Hiding

2010-04-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

I'm way overdue for a post, if anyone out there is still following/reading. I've been in such a funk. Don't get me wrong, the break is going good for me. In fact, it's going to good that I'm beginning to wonder if the break should ever end. There has to be an easier way to have a baby than by actually getting pregnant, right? Haha. I still think that kidnapping is an option. (Dear Government Official, if you are reading this, that was just a joke.)

I started taking Adipex again. When my sweet husband found out, he made me google it to show me that Adipex is used for people who are obese. He does not consider a size 4 to be obese. (Okay. I don't either.) But that doesn't mean that I'm not extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. During my 9 months of infertility drugs, I gained 13 pounds, and that just feels totally unacceptable.

That being said, Adipex makes me depressed. I think I focus on the mirror a bit much when I'm taking it, and in all actuality, my body is probably hungry (but it's being told that it's not) so I end up not being a very pleasant person. However, weight/food/etc. can all be tied in to my TYPE A behavior. I love the control I have over choosing whether or not to eat, when I'm taking Adipex. (But it sends me into a dark place).

That dark place where I don't like me. That dark place where my boss's stepdaughter (who is one month younger than I am and has been trying half as long as I have) is pregnant. That dark place where my skinny clothes don't fit. That dark place where unless my sweet husband doesn't jump exactly how I think he should or say exactly what I think he should or pay me the precise amount of attention that I think he should pay me, then he doesn't love me. The dark place where I hate my hair and secretly envision ripping it all out, while I'm trying to fix it in the mornings. Mostly, that dark place that leaves me wanting to find a dark corner and cry. (And then, I let myself wonder to the infertile thoughts, and I'm left wondering if there's anything I do like about me).

But I know that's just the Adipex talking.

This has been a long battle for me. It started somewhere in early high school, when I discovered that I could use babysitting money to buy diet pills and that you didn't have to be a "grown up" to get them. It's when I discovered that if I took laxatives, then it didn't matter how many chips or french fries I ate. It's also when I decided that one type of diet pill wasn't enough, and I should take more.

It's amazing how immortal I was in high school. I had no idea that mixing diet pills would be harmful or even that diet pills alone were harmful. I had no idea that I could be doing permanent damage to my body. I just knew that it would make me stay skinny. My Mom found my diet pills one day. They were in ziplock baggies, each one dated, and locked in my fire proof safe. Obviously, she threw them all away, and that was the biggest fight we ever had. I bought more the next day.

For whatever reason, I've always been terrified of being fat, and I've never had a good diet, so exercise and diet pills were my saving grace.

There was one particular week in high school, when my cheerleading sponsor called me into her office and told me that my head looked too big for my body and that people were asking questions about my weight. I had one week to gain 5 pounds or I would not be able to cheer in Friday's game. Utter devastation.

My weight will fluctuate 10 pounds up or down, but when you're 5 feet tall, then 10 pounds is pretty significant. So I still struggle. I say all that to say this. Today, I'm wearing my navy suit (size 2), and I'm still miserable. I wish I knew where to find that "happy with me" size.

Regardless, the Adipex is on hold, because I'm working on taking care of my wrists. I may have mentioned it before, but I've had de Quervain's tenosynovitis in both wrists. (Google it). It started shortly after I started fertility drugs, but so far I can't get my RE, my family doctor or the orthopedic doctor to agree with me that the meds caused it. However, the physical therapist that I had to start going to yesterday, agrees with me that it's a very real possibility.

It was my right wrist in the fall and after months of a brace and meds, the orthopedic doctor finally had to give me injections, but at least they worked. Now, in the spring, it's my left wrist, and he decided we should try physical therapy before doing injections. So, I'm taking an oral anti-inflammatory and uses a patch, topical anti-inflammatory and going to physical therapy three times a week. I figured with all of that, I really didn't need to add Adipex to the mix.

That's my life these days. Sorry if it seems glum.

Yours truly,
Adi
(That's what they call me at the office, when I'm taking Adipex. Haha.)

The ABCs of Me

2010-03-22T16:09:00.000-05:00

I want to blog about TTC. I want to tell you that I feel like a total slacker for not being proactive in my quest for a baby this month, but I'm not going to. I have to stay away from that topic for now, because I am terrified that it will suck me back in and consume me like before.

So, for today... the ABCs of me.

A - Age: 28
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: Washing dishes.
D - Dog/Pet's name: Callie
E - Essential start to your day item(s): Fox & Friends
F - Favorite color: green & brown
G - Gold or Silver: Silver
H - Height: 5' 1/2"
I - Instruments you play(ed): piano (when I was younger... I suck now).
J - Job title: Attorney
K - Kisses or hugs: Hugs
L - Living arrangements: with my husband
M - Mood: Bored!
N - Nicknames: Sunshine, Bubbles, Cat, Ellie Mae
O - Overnight hospital stays other than birth: One night
P - Pet Peeves: Poor grammar and arrogance.
Q - Quote from a movie:
R - Right or left handed: Left
S - Siblings: one brother
T - Time you wake up: 5:30 am
U- Underwear: bikini.
V - Vegetable you dislike: Most! I wish I could think of some vegetables that I like, but I just don't. I'm trying to be better.
W - Ways you run late: I always run late. I run late when there's no way to run late. I will most certainly be late for my funeral.
X - X-rays you've had: chest, arm, hand, abdomen, teeth, face. I think that's all.
Y - Yummy food you make: Um, yeah. I don't really cook.
Z - Zoo favorite: Riding whatever method of transportation they have - either the train or the boat.

The First NOT TTC Cycle(?)

2010-03-19T15:11:00.000-05:00

I'm at cycle day 11. I have resisted any temptation to buy ovulation tests. I have tried to ignore any cramps in my lower abdomen. I have resisted the urge to google cervical mucus. It's been so long since I've paid attention to CM, so long since I haven't had "manual" ovulation, that I don't remember the order of CM and what I should be looking for. I guess that's okay, since I'm not actually trying to get pregnant this month. Right?

When I began my title for this post, I hesitated with the word "cycle," because of course my only experience with cycles are the ones that involve 10 little pills and a subsequent injection. Take away that and I just have droughts.

I have had some cramps, and I immediately think... "No way! There is no freaking way that my body is going to ovulate on its own this month." I would be amazed, BUT... I won't know, because I'm not buying ovulation tests, and I don't have the benefit of Wandy letting me know what's happening. I considered calling Dr. I and asking for an ultrasound just to see what my body is doing mid-cycle(?) (There's that word again). But I haven't. I'm taking a break.

A BREAK.

Miriam Webster says that a break is an interruption in continuity; a notable change of subject matter, attitude, or treatment; a respite from school, work or duty; relief from annoyance. Well, you get the drift.

If I use ovulation tests, if I go in for an ultrasound, if I obsess over CM and time sex, then that totally defeats the purpose of the break.

And let me just tell you.....
Despite my moments of weakness when I'm finished with the major tasks of the day and I have the opportunity to read infertility websites, when I'm in the drug store because my lips are ridiculously dry and I need something without menthol (because that dries them out more) and I pass by the ovulation tests, when I see the date on the calendar and know it's time for my mid-cycle appointment.....

Despite all of that, this break feels amazing. I'm getting tan (with two minor "oops" when I inadvertantly fried myself). I've started running again. I've been dieting (which in my definition means starving with an occasional weak moment). I've stopped taking those stupid, huge prenatal vitamins (even though I know I should keep taking them, because it's my break and I can do what I want to). I had an adult beverage on my birthday.

I've been about ME, and it's been nice. I've even let me like myself once or twice in the past two weeks.

I guess what I'm saying is that I want my baby. I want him/her more than anything, but at this particular moment, I'm okay. I'm more than okay. I'm happy. I can breathe. I feel sane. And I love it.

Significant Dates

2010-03-12T10:08:00.000-06:00

March is an "iffy" time for me - for more than one reason. #1: It's good because it's my birthday, and I don't think that my age panics me yet, but as I've said before, my birthday is hard without my Mom. Actually the two weeks leading up to my birthday are very emotional, but now we're here... my birthday weekend. #2: Getting pregnant in March means a December baby, which is why we waited until AFTER March to start trying to get pregnant and why I just so happened to really need a break in March this year. ;) That being said, March is the beginning and end of an infertility year.

There are significant dates and events coming up....

March 12: Birthday dinner with friends. 10 of our best friends (5 couples). I'm excited, and I'm trying to let my joy about spending time with friends overpower that harsh realization that I'm spending another birthday without my Mom.

March 13: Birthday dinner with family. This is also the first day that I am NOT doing the normal infertility thing. I would be starting Femara, but instead I'm a free bird.

March 14: Birthday dinner with my best friend and her husband (and their perfect little boy, who I would've kidnapped since his birth, but they're always watching. Haha). She's making the cake that my Mom made for me every year. Can't wait!

March 15: My 28th birthday. My sweet husband and I both have board meetings that night, so no big plans on that day.

March 22: This WOULD BE the day I would be going in for an ultrasound and trigger shot, but my break is sparing me that 4 hour round trip drive.

March 24: Exactly one year after I had my preconception check-up (combined with my yearly exam). That's a little funny, right? I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that. Preconception? Haha. Who knew just how PRE- conception that exam was.

April 6: My yearly exam. I haven't seen my regular obgyn since October 6. On that day, we discussed doing an IUI later that week (but then I didn't ovulate so it didn't happen). From there, I decided it was time to see an RE. I haven't seen her (the regular obgyn) since, but I absolutely can't wait to tell her that I'm STILL not pregnant. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic.)

And then.....

April 9: Exactly one year after I threw away my birth control pills. I can't convince myself that I'm any further along in this journey than I was then. A wasted year? I don't know. Was it? Surely not. Surely there was purpose. Surely I had purpose. Surely I am more than my infertility.

Home

2010-03-08T14:39:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, in our Sunday School class, our teacher asked if we were still interested in our partner and if we were still interesting to our partner. He following that by asking each person what his/her spouse was interested in.

I, of course, said that sitting still makes my husband crazy. He has to be up and going and doing things. He loves being outside and would spend every day fishing, if he could. In turn, my husband said that for me, a perfect day was sitting at home.

Our teacher went a step further and wanted to know WHY each person enjoyed what he/she enjoyed. As in one lady likes family dinners, and it's very important to her that her husband make that happen once or twice a week. On the other hand, her husband works all the time. For her, she was raised with family dinners - every night, no exception. For him, he was raised with a strong work ethic. That was their "why".

I couldn't figure out WHY I liked to be at home so much. I hadn't always likes to sit at home, had I? I used to like to go and do and stay busy, right?

I kept coming back to that yesterday, and suddenly, I said out loud, "I miss my Mom."

(My birthday and even my birthday month is very difficult for me without Mom. It always hits me like a ton of bricks before I realize it's about to hit me. Yesterday, it hit me. I'm still going to have my birthday, but my heart hurts.)

From there, I realized this...
I lived in the Northeast area one summer, and I thought of "home" often. I told stories of "home" and shared pictures from "home," and was ready to visit "home." Shortly thereafter, I moved one state over for law school, and missed "home." I went "home" every weekend. Even after I got married, I missed "home." If my husband and I ever fought, I went "home." If he worked on the weekend, I went "home." If he went fishing, I went "home."

And then my Mom died, and I realized that "home" wasn't that house where I grew up. "Home" was my Mom. "Home" was the person whom I'd always loved most.

Since Mom's been gone, I have a new "home." It's where I've lived for years, where I live with the love of my life, and I love my "home." It's where I'm happiest, where I'm safest, and where the person I love most lives.

I think that's why I love being HOME... regardless of what I'm doing there.

It's OK. I'm OK.

2010-03-04T16:30:00.000-06:00

This is how my day began.

But that's ok. I'm ok. In fact, I'm good. I'm so good that I skipped my prenatal vitamin this morning. Why? Because I'm a rebel like that.

And when I talked to my sweet husband this afternoon, I said. "Oh, I forgot to tell you but this wasn't my month either, so I went to the tanning bed." He laughed. Then I laughed and of course asked why he was laughing. Turns out, apparently that's not normally how I announce that I'm not pregnant. Normally, my tears let him know before my mouth does.

So in March's infertility news, the BFN brought laughter. Who would've ever thought that?

As promised, guess what time it is???

I need this. I need this like you can't know. I need it more than I realized.

I feel great. I bought new tanning lotion and tanned (burned), and next comes the diet and the highlights in my hair, and then... MY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION. I'm okay with this.

Disclaimer: AF has not arrived. I totally jumped the gun at 12dpo and tested. BFN. I am a firm believer that if I was going to be pregnant, it would already be showing up. The BFN did not make me cry. I can't guarantee that AF won't, but for now, I am holding on to zero hope this month, and I feel okay.

Confessions of the Heart

2010-03-02T13:46:00.002-06:00

I'm approximately 10dpo (thats' days post ovulation for your non IF people), and do you want to know what I'm obsessed with? Okay, despite the obvious (Grey's Anatomy... haha). I'm obsessed with my birthday, with getting my hair colored, with tanning, with losing weight. I'm obsessed with my upcoming break, and for the first time in as long as I can remember...

I don't care if I'm not pregnant.

And when I actually say that out loud, that's when the guilt begins. How can I not care this month? I've wanted this my whole entire life? Why doesn't it matter right now?

I'm tired. I want to remember why life is wonderful. I want to enjoy all the blessings that I have been given, and I'm actually excited about experiencing those blessings without viewing them through the translucent film of pain that has been covering them for almost a year.

I'm ready to make my body MINE and not think about it being an incubator. I want to be the ME that people know and love, the fun one, the one without the weight of the world on her shoulders. I'm ready to focus on me and my wonderful husband instead of the things - the baby - who I don't have.

My 28th birthday is two weeks away. Last year was my first birthday without Mom. She always made such a big deal over birthdays, especially mine and my brother's. For all of my life, we had two birthday parties. We had a "friend party" and a "family party." She made my birthday, and I couldn't do it last year... not without her.

BUT recently, (actually, and I realize this is beginning to become an unhealthy addiction, but it was an episode of Grey's), I realized that the only thing my Mom ever wanted was for my brother and I to be happy. She didn't care what school we went to, what career we chose, who we dated/married - as long as we were happy. She could only be happy if we were happy. So, this year, I'm having a birthday. I'm going to celebrate it and blow out candles and I may even enjoy my friends singing to me, but I'm going to have a birthday, and I'm going to be happy.

I've been unhappy for so much of this infertility journey, and I often wonder what it would be like if I had Mom here to go through this with me, but I have decided that for my Mom, she wouldn't feel pain from my infertility. She would feel pain from my sadness. Her heart wouldn't ache to be a grandmother. Her heart would ache because her baby's heart ached.

My Mom was the most amazing woman I've ever known. I learned more about being a Mom than any book could ever teach me. I learned from the best, and one day... I want to be that kind of Mom to my baby.

I just don't care if it's not this month. Because this month, it's my birthday, and I'm going to be happy....

FOR MY MOM.

A Week Without Thinking of Infertility????

2010-02-26T11:12:00.002-06:00

Surely not... right?
Yes, you heard right.
The first week of my 2ww has been much more pleasant (insert face full of sarcasm here).

On Tuesday, I felt like a bus hit me... followed by a temperature of 101. The next day, I was better but after lunch, my temperature went back to 100. And then the stomach fun started.

I've been ready for stomach fun. I've actually been craving it, along with a big, fat stomach. But I wasn't prepared for the fever. And all of that I WAS preparing for... came along with beautiful ultrasound pictures of my little angel.

But again, I've only finished week 1, so that's not what's going on.

It's the "stomach flu," medically known as viral gastroenterologist. That means rest, crackers, Sprite, and the toilet. But the only bright spot of the last few days has been Grey's Anatomy. I fell in love with the show very late in the game, so I'm behind but have completed Season 1 and am well into Season 2.

I'm actually looking forward to the second week of the 2ww, and I've NEVER looked forward to that. But maybe I'll be back on my game and reading/commenting next week. Until then....

BLOG AWARD: HAPPY 101

2010-02-22T16:02:00.003-06:00

Thank you so much to Holly at Ready to Be A Mom for this amazing blog award. I’m particularly amazed because I never feel that I’m coming across as being too “happy.” In fact, for me, it seems like blog wreaks of pathetic desperation, but nonetheless....

I’m happy to get the Happy 101 Award.

When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 Things That Make My Day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award as well, and then you'll have the award and they'll have the award too.

10 THINGS THAT MAKE MY DAY
1. Ultrasound Days!: Yes, I love Wandy. I know it sounds strange, but being the Type A, control freak that I am, I love to know exactly what is going on in there. If I could take Wandy home with me I would, because the unknown totally freaks me out!
2. Saturday mornings when nothing is planned, when I can watch way too much I.D. channel and TruTV, wash clothes at my leisure and curl up with my sweet baby (Maltese).

3. New Releases: James Patterson, Nicholas Sparks or Patricia Cornwell books!

4. Comments on my blog!

5. Being “dugout mom” for my husband’s softball team (the one he coaches).

6. Mountain Dew

7. Going to the movies, and I love when my husband concedes and goes with me. He hates to sit still for that long and I absolutely love it!

8. Kidd Kraddick in the Morning (morning radio talk show that truly makes my drives to work enjoyable). You should SOOO listen to them. If they’re not on a radio station around you, listen live at http://www.kiddlive.com/

9. Waking up beside my wonderful husband (when he’s still asleep) and knowing that we have no where to go. (This is different from #2 because when I experience #2, it’s usually on Saturdays that he has to work).

10. And what hasn’t happened yet, but would TRULY make my day... make my life... a freakin’ BFP!

Now IT’S YOUR TURN. Here are the 10 blogs that I would like to AWARD!

1. I Will Be A Mom... Someday

2. Remember All The Way

3. a + b, waiting for c

4. Misconceptions About Conception

5. My Basic World

6. Park Slope Purgatory

7. The (In)fertility Diaries

8. Liberal Granola Girl’s Blog

9. Fertility Chick

10. Beauty and Infertility

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR 10!

Everything Happens For a Reason

2010-02-22T09:42:00.000-06:00

First... let me say... HAPPY ICLW! If this is the first time you've been to my blog, then let me give you a quick summary before getting on to what's current. My husband and I were married almost four years ago. I wanted to wait three years before trying to get pregnant, since that's what my parents did. I would've started earlier had I had any idea it was going to be so difficult. I tossed the birth control in April, 2009. By July, I was taking Clomid. In October, I was seeing an RE and taking Femara with monitored cycles and trigger shots, and here I am... in February. 11 months into the journey, and quite frustrated. I'm current in the 2ww, and if this isn't the month, then I'm taking a break (a month or two or three) before going back to begin IUIs.

Now then...

My last post was about me freaking out. I went ahead and beat myself up a little bit about jumping the gun on this cycle and going in early (on CD13) for the ultrasound and trigger. I was supposed to go on Friday, but ended up going on Thursday. Not a huge deal. Two beautiful follicles, but of course I dwell on the negatives, and I was disappointed that the two other smaller follicles didn't have that extra day to grow.

BUT... as I've been told for most of my life, and something I am certainly beginning to believe...
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

My RE's office is two hours away from home. Had I gone to the doctor on Friday, as scheduled, then I wouldn't have been in town during lunch on Friday, and I would've missed a very important phone call.

I was having lunch with my Mamaw (Mom's Mom) when my Dad called. I could hardly understand what he was saying, through his tears. My Grandmother (his Mom) had been in the hospital for almost two weeks. She's had Alztheimer's for years but had recently developed double pneumonia and was NOT doing well. He needed me to get to the hospital, and so I went.

When I got there, Grandmother was fighting to breathe. Her blood pressure was low and her heart rate was lower. She's already flatlined twice, and after a minute or more of no heartbeat and no breathing, she'd come back. While I was there, she did that two more times, and after the fifth flatline, it was over. My sweet Grandmother danced right into Heaven's gates.

It was hard. Grandmother was such a rock in our family, but she hadn't known me for a few years. Alztheimer's is a sad disease. Regardless, being there with her and watching her take her last breath, brought back memories of holding my Mom while she took her last breath (less than 2 years ago).

So this weekend was full of family and funeral stuff... a sad weekend.

But I'm glad I freaked out on Thursday, so I could be there with Grandmother on Friday.
Maybe it really is okay to freak out sometimes.

Yes, I Freaked.

2010-02-19T11:02:00.000-06:00

Tuesday's HSG went well and was clear, but I am not happy unless there is something to stress about. (I don't really believe that statement, but sometimes that does seem to be the case).

It was actually uneventful. I expected to cramp that evening but didn't, and I didn't even have spotting... until Wednesday. It was minimal and nothing that worried me. In fact, it was Wednesday when I realized that I wasn't even having the usual "oh-em-gee, my ovaries are going to explode" cramps that usually start about that time. But then came Thursday... the spotting got a little more significant (still light though) and I started cramping.

Cramping how, you might ask? Cramping like AF was about to make a grand entrance... only it was only cycle day 13 - the day before my ultrasound and trigger were scheduled.

WHY can I not remember how I feel from month to month? I don't remember "exploding ovary" cramps feeling like AF. Maybe they do. OH MY GOSH!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

Yes, I freaked.

I called the doctor's office. Nurse Aunt Bea was wonderful, and she thought it would be okay to go in right then for an ultrasound. Sounded like ovulation to her, but she wanted to be sure. Insert problem here. It was noon, and I was, at that moment, three hours away from my RE's office. Latest appointment 3:30 p.m. "Okay. I'm on my way."

My RE's office is wonderful. The nurse took me straight back, and said she couldn't "wait to see." When she came back with Dr. I, she introduced us. He said, "I'm telling you... these patients who just can't stay away from me for more than two days...."

Insert Wandy.

On the right, there were two (in Dr. I's words) "very respectible follicles" measuring 21mm and 21mm. Lining was at 7mm, and on the left side, a 14mm and a 12mm. He thought it'd be fine to go ahead and trigger on CD13.

I asked if the 14mm would grow anymore in between the injection and the time it actually ovulated. He didn't think so but he seemed hunky-dorey with the two 21s.

In true, I-must-ask-a-million-questions form, I asked if he thought the spotting was from the HSG? Nope. He thought it was ovulation. Apparently, you can start spotting prior to ovulation, as your hormones are changing in preparation of ovulation. Make sense?

So here I am, almost 24 hours after my trigger shot, with two pretty 21mm follicles, and I'm hoping this month is it, because can I tell you a secret?

On the drive home, when I thought about the possibility of taking the much-needed break....

Yes, I freaked.

ATTN FUTURE EMBRYOS: It's all clear!

2010-02-16T17:20:00.000-06:00

First thing's first.

Dear Future Embryo (the embryo who doesn't exist but hopefully will one day),
I had my HSG done today. Good news. It's all clear. I'm not sure if you were waiting for me to let you know or what, but no need to stay away any longer. It's all clear. In fact, Dr. I said, "That may have been the easiest HSG I've ever done." So... let's get this show on the road. I'm ready to start watching you grow. Pictures of you will be much more exciting than pictures of clear tubes and follicles.
Thanks,
Your Mom

So, if you haven't figured it out yet, the HSG was A-OK. I'm all clear.

What a day.

I started the morning off in tears worrying about insurance and coverage. I opted NOT to file it on insurance, because there's always the chance that insurance would cover it, but not cover anything beyond that. What did that mean? Out of pocket $1100. Awesome. (Um, still no baby). But we did reach one conclusion. If this isn't "our month," I'm taking a break. Mentally and emotionally, I am tired. I need a break.

Summary: I cried to the nurse.

Then I drove the two hours to my doctor's office (well, to the surgical center across the street from the office), and then the insurance lady at Dr. I's office called to make sure I didn't want to file it. I cried to her and told her that this isn't how it was supposed to work. Getting pregnant was supposed to be easy because the average crackhead did it every weekend, and it's not supposed to be expensive. It's suppose to cost approximately the same as a cheap bottle of wine. She was sympathetic.

Summary: I cried to the nurse and to the insurance lady.

I finally made it inside the surgical center - looking like an absolutely wreck, might I add. They called me straight back, did a pregnancy test (which at this point is absolutely hysterical to me), and I was shuffled off to a partitioned room (surrounded by curtains). There, it was time to strip to nothing but my socks. That's always comforting. Nurse Wonderful said "Don't tie your gown. I'll take care of that."

And here comes the good part.
When Nurse Wonderful came back, she changed my life forever. Okay, maybe I am exaggering but this woman was wonderful (hence the name). Would you believe that she didn't leave my side. For almost an hour, we talked about EVERYTHING. I told her about my grandmother and losing my Mom and my dad remarrying and the stepmom who I want to love but it seems that in doing so, I'm betraying Mom. I told her about my Type-A-ism, about my stepdaughter, about my tendonitis, which I'm convinced is from fertility drugs, about the weight I've gained since I started trying to conceive. We talked about school and church and my internship and the police academy. EVERYTHING.

Then she told me about a medical mission trip she took and about her interpretor there. She was a wonderful girl who wanted to be a mission. Fastforward. Nurse Wonderful went back to the same country on a another medical mission trip and the same girl told her that she'd decided she wanted to be a nurse "like her" and help people. Nurse Wonderful came back to the state, talked to her husband, contacted her congressman and brought that girl to the states and put her through nursing school, taught her how to drive, got her a car, etc. etc. etc. I told you she was Nurse Wonderful.

When the technician came to get me for the HSG, Nurse Wonderful grabbed my hands and leaned in for a hug, she said, "You take it easy on yourself. This will happen. You do NOT need to lose weight. You're beautiful, and you go easy on Stepmom. And when you do have this beautiful baby, you better bring him/her to see me."

What a beautiful and wonderful woman. I'll never forget her.

Bye, Nurse Wonderful. Off with the technician. We'll call her Been-There-Done-That. Why? Because she was one of Dr. I's patients, and now has a beautiful baby boy. Fantastic!!!! She reminded me that I'm young, that DH's age doesn't matter, and that I'm just beginning. Sang Dr. I's praises for a while and told me she felt certain this would happen.

Enter Dr. I.
I told him that I spent the morning crying to his nurse. He assured me that I was NOT his craziest patient, and that that's what his nurses do... listen to crazy people all day, so no worries. Haha. I love him. He also told me that I'm probably a lot more mentally sane that some of his patients, because I'm an out-loud worrier, and that that's probably a good thing.

Then I stopped talking because my insides briefly felt like they were being murdered. BUT it was brief, and I got to see the beautiful OPEN and CLEAR tubes on the screen, and it was over.

I shared my plan with Dr. I. If this isn't the month, I need a break. He didn't think that was a bad idea at all, and he assured me that although he'd see me Friday for an ultrasound and trigger shot, that then I could take a break, and when I was ready to start again, we'd go immediately to IUI. Yay!

Wait. (I know it's long, but it's not over).

I left the surgical center and went to Dr. I's office to pay my doctor fee. I asked for the insurance lady because she'd told me to. When she came to get me from the waiting area, she greeted me with a hug, and this: "I just had to meet you." We sat down and talked for a long time, and when I left, she told me that I am "special" and that she is praying for me and can't wait to see the first picture of my little one.

I think these people just might be in my corner too.
Regardless, I'm excited about the possibility of a break.
That is, ONLY if this isn't my month, and of course, I'm HOPING IT IS!!!!

Show me some love, please.
A day with this many tears requires many comments. ;o)

Blogger #FAIL and a New Couch

2010-02-15T11:31:00.000-06:00

I told myself that I was going to blog often and not become one of those M.I.A. bloggers, but that hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be.

My last post was 10 days ago. That was right before the BFN and right before AF. There's just something about those five letters that packs one heck of a punch. That's where the #FAIL comes in. I just haven't felt like blogging.

The HSG was scheduled, then canceled due to weather, then rescheduled. That happens tomorrow. I never thought insurance wouldn't cover it, but now I'm wondering. The center said that "most" insurance companies don't cover it. I've not been diagnosed as "infertile" and I think that all diagnostic procedures (ultrasound, bloodwork, and other tests) are covered, up to a diagnosis of infertility. I think I'll remain optimistic for now.

My grandmother has been in the hospital. Double pneumonia (and altztheimers so she doesn't know me and hasn't for a long time), and she's not eating or drinking. Today her heart beat got up to 170. That's not good. After Mom's death, I'm not ready for another one for a long time, but I'm mentally preparing for the worst.

And then there's the whole "Every-freakin'-body is pregnant but me" thing. That can really get a girl down. I am so happy for friends who get pregnant - especially friends who have been trying for some time, but after a while, even those can rip your insides out on a bad day.

However, before this post sounds like a complete and total pitty party (which is basically is), I have had at least one productive thought lately. In fact, I have reached a conclusion... I have to buy new furniture before I can get pregnant. Maybe THAT's the hold up. Yes, something as simple as a new couch is keeping me from getting pregnant. We have light beige furniture (couch and chair-and-a-half), and that is just not conducive to babies. So a new couch will get me pregnant. Haha. Tell me that you love my logic, and don't worry, I've not copyrighted (no patent) any study so you can even share this treatment plan with your infertile friends.

Cross your fingers and say a prayer that all goes well with the HSG tomorrow. I'll let you know. (And so I don't have to label myself #FAIL anymore, I do plan to be a better blogger.)

YOU PEOPLE!!!!!.....

2010-02-05T16:02:00.002-06:00

make me feel SOOOO loved. I truly wonder how I ever made it in this infertility world without you. Comments really are like hugs.

I lost my Mom almost 2 years ago. Devastating.
She was only 50.

My husband had always said that we could've sued the OB who delivered me, because he forgot to cut the umbilical cord. So true. She was my very best pain.

There's a difference, though, in losing a loved one and facing infertility. My support system was immense. There were over 1,000 people who attended her memorial service, and there were people everywhere, ready to do anything I needed them to do, but with infertility... it's a silent, private pain.

Thank you for easing the burden of this pain.
I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

(Insert laugh)

2010-02-04T16:12:00.000-06:00

7 years ago, I had a problem. I had been bleeding for four months straight. If this has never happened for you, stop for a moment and imagine how PSYCHOTIC you would feel. It was a walking nightmare. I was in my last semester of my Bachelor's Degree, had just gotten engaged (NOT to my sweet and wonderful husband), and I had a dilemma.

Dr. Oldman just kept changing my birth control pills in an effort to stop the problem. Note to self and all readers: That is NOT the solution. I decided that I change was mandatory. New doctor. Dr. PrettyEyes. That's his nickname for a reason. I'll explain.

Dr. PrettyEyes decided that surgery was necessary. In my first visit with him, he informed me that #1) I had a tilted uterus, and #2) I needed a D&C.

Well, Dr. PrettyEyes, that can't be. I've never been pregnant. I don't need a D&C. (My sweet little uninformed brain.) Who knew that D&Cs could be used for other purposes?

Anyway, while he was laproscopically doing the D&C, he could do a uterus suspension too, and that may make "it" less painful in the future and could make getting pregnant easier. (Insert laugh here).

So... that's what we did. D&C. Uterus suspension. HSG while he was in there doing the rest. His name? Dr. PrettyEyes, because I can distinctly remember his eyes before surgery. He was covered in scrub attire from head to toe and nose and mouth too, so all I saw was his eyes, before I went off to la la land.

Ready for this? When he came out of surgery, he told my parents I was a "fertile myrtle." (Insert laugh again). Apparently my insides were perfect for child conceiving, but he had no way of knowing just how bad my hormones hated me.

That's what we know now. My tubes were clear. Everything was peachy. D&C done. No other problems. Uterus in place.

HOWEVER, since it was done in conjunction with a surgery, there is the possibility that scar tissue could have formed since then. (Important note: I had the same annovulation problem PRIOR TO my surgery, so I'm guessing that's still my problem: annovulation.) Regardless, I talked to Nurse Aunt Bea (who looks like a super model, and who I'm not so sure I still think is as sweet as Aunt Bea, but I like her nonetheless).

We're going to do an HSG this month - assuming I'm not pregnant. I'm a little scared, because the only time I've ever had that done, I was out cold, and obviously this time, I will be wide awake.

In the same conversation, she told me that they (being the dr's office) hate the Internet, and that the information is not always correct, and that I should really stop reading so much. Concern and knowledge is good. Obsession is not so good. ;o)

Surely she doesn't think I'm obsessed. (Insert laugh yet again).

So here we are. 14 days after my trigger shot. I have no pregnancy tests, and probably won't buy any... If I can just wait a few more days, I'm sure good ole' FLO will work as effectively as a test.

Totally Randomness

2010-02-02T12:20:00.000-06:00

I'll admit that I've been slightly out of the loop lately. It's past time to get a new blog post up, but this part of the 2ww creates utter havoc in my life. The "pizza face" has begun, and AF cramps come and go.

Trigger shot was 12 days ago. The first time I had a trigger shot, AF took 18 days to arrive. The second trigger shot, 17 days. I wrote "TEST!" all over Saturday (Feb. 6) on my calendar, but I'm not sure if I can do it. It seems like AF might be easier to handle than a negative test.

Also, I'm really thinking about scheduling an HSG. I KNOW my tubes were open, clear and beautiful in 2003, but that was 7 years ago, and things can change. Not to mention that I had surgery done in conjunction with the 2003 HSG, so scar tissue could have formed. Any thoughts? To have the HSG? To not have the HSG?

Regardless, my thoughts have been so scattered lately. I'm convinced that too much obsessing during the two week wait (time between ovulation and AF or a positive pregnancy test) is detramental. I definitely prefer to think the worst and then be right, than hope for the best and be devastated.

This is month 10. Is it the magic month? Month 10 of trying to convince would result in a due date somewhere in the 10th month of the year (October). If this month is it, then I conceived on my brother's birthday and will be due on my Grandmother's birthday.

If, If, If.... No, it doesn't strike me odd that the phrase I use the most "IF" also stands for infertility.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm convinced that if I tested today, that it would be accurate, but I can't do that to myself. I'll keep waiting instead.

On a lighter note, visit Stress Free Infertility tomorrow for a guest blog from ME about blogging!

My Very 1st Blog Award!!!

2010-01-28T09:17:00.002-06:00

On Tuesday I received a blog award from Elizabeth, only I didn't realize that I'd received it until after I'd received a blog award from Holly. First things first, thank you both SOOO much! I can't tell either of you how encouraging it is to know that someone out there is reading about this journey. Of course, I'm ridiculously in love with both of your blogs, and for entirely different reasons.

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

* Copy the award and place it in your blog.

* Link the person who nominated you for this award.

* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

* Nominate 7 bloggers.

* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

*******************************************************

SEVEN INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT ME:

1. I received my Bachelor's Degree at the age of 20 (youngest in my class).
2. A serial killer helped me choose the law school I attended.
3. My husband was my fourth fiance', and every day I am thankful that I got to marry my Prince Charming and my best friend.
4. I was President of my police academy class.
5. I once answered the tip line for America's Most Wanted.
6. Al Gore and I shared a plane once, and I caught myself hoping we crashed. Haha. Only joking.
7. The F B I Director introduced me to the United States Attorney General as "My Little Lawyer."

SEVEN BLOGGERS I PASS THIS AWARD TO:

Johanna

Browniris

Kristen

Lisa

Hopeful for a Baby

Jin

Wishing 4 One

Okay. Obviously these are not ALL of the blogs I read, because a lot of them have already received this award. (And some of you have too). Regardless, here you go, ladies! Love your blogs! They're BEAUTIFUL!

Question & Answer Session

2010-01-27T14:13:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I decided that I was making myself crazy with all of my questions - googling and reading anything I could find, etc. When I got home last night, I made a list.

First thing this morning, because I know that's when my favorite nurse answers the phone, I called. (It'll be easiest to do this in the form of a transcript).

NURSE: Good morning. #### ##### Clinic. This is "Nurse P" speaking.

ME: Good morning. This is #### ####. I'm sorry to bother you, but I just have a couple of questions. Do you have a minute? I made a list.

NURSE: Sure. Whatcha' got?

ME: I've never had my AMH level checked. Do I need to, and is that even something I can do while on fertility meds?

NURSE: Where'd you hear about that?

ME: I read EVERYTHING I can get my hands on.

NURSE: We normally check AMH if the FSH is elevated, and your FSH was great, so we haven't worried with AMH.

ME: (Totally satisfied with that answer and moving on the to the next) DH had his SA in September. I gave y'all the results, but Dr. I asked if DH was okay. Is he?

NURSE: Well the notes say that we were told it was normal. I don't know if we have those results.

ME: You do.

(She checks).

NURSE: Sperm Count.... Motility.... Morphology.... all perfect.

ME: What ability the pH?

NURSE: So irrelevant that we don't even have that on our form anymore.

ME: At my last appointment, Dr. I mentioned doing an HSG. I had one done in 2003, when I had my uterus suspension. I know he and I have talked about that before, and honestly... I know he has tons of patients and can't remember everything. I'm a lawyer, and I forget. People think it means I don't care, but there's just so many clients. I forget. So I get it. I just want to make sure that I don't need another HSG.

NURSE: Being that it was done during a surgery, there may have been scar tissue to develop since then. Let's leave a question mark beside the HSG, knowing that we may want to do another one, but I think we feel pretty confident that we've nailed down you as having an ovulation problem.

ME: And I had the problem before this surgery ever took place. Ya' know, after the surgery, that doctor told my parents that I was a fertile myrtle. Can I sue?

NURSE: Ha. I think so.

(We both laugh).

ME: This month, I had REALLY big follicles. Should I come in earlier next cyle?

NURSE: Well, IF there is a "next cycle", we may just have you come in on CD14, since you came in on CD15, but you're follicles have always been perfect size. That big one was just kind of random.

ME: If the 32mm is a cycle, will it go away on its own? And if not, will that keep me from starting next month's Femara?

NURSE: You know, if you just don't start your period, then we won't have to worry about any of this. But, IF you need next month's Femara, then the 32mm should be gone, and the Femara won't hurt. If you're worried about it, we can do a baseline and make sure. But the 32mm could be a viable egg.

ME: Were the 25mm follicles too big?

NURSE: No, not at all.

ME: Okay, so ideally, what size follicles do I want? Minimum and maximum?

NURSE: We want to see them at least 20-21mm, but there's not really a maximum. If you had a 40mm, we might be concerned, but we're fine with even low 30s.

ME: My husband deserves a halo. He'll definitely have a crown when he gets to Heaven. (I proceed to tell her about Saturday night - see previous post).

NURSE: Oh honey, he does deserve a crown.

ME: So, next cycle, I'll start Femara regularly, and we'll plan on me coming in on CD14?

NURSE: Let's plan on you coming in when you're six weeks pregnant.

I love Nurse P. She just will NOT let me be negative, and sometimes... like times of late... I really need that.

I Used to Be Someone

2010-01-24T15:59:00.000-06:00

I have ten minutes until my husband gets home from work and an hour and ten minutes before we have a house full of people for FOOTBALL. (Yes, I'll admit that I'm madly in love with NFL this year. I used to hate football. Now I can hardly wait until the next game.)

So this has to be a quick one...

A sweet far away friend of mine told me that my blog seemed sad lately. I suppose it's good that my emotions come through on paper, because that is definitely the emotion that is controlling these days.

The weekend has been a DOWN one. It started with Friday night. We had a birthday dinner to attend, and I had one hour from the time I got home until we had to be at the restaurant. I felt like it was completely necessary that we take advantage of that hour. (Need I say more?)

After we were finished taking advantage and before we got all dolled up for the dinner, I was in tears. "I am so sorry that I've made this be this way." I hate that we schedule sex. A friend of mine said, "But once you have kids, you'll always have to schedule sex." WRONG.

There's a difference. When you have kids, you have to take advantage of opportunities that arise. There's no MUST. It doesn't have to happen at that moment or even that day. However, when trying to get pregnant, you HAVE TO have sex right then, on that day, whether either one of you want to.

Of course, my husband is wonderful and held me and essentially begged me not to cry. I love him. And I know that he loves me.

On to Saturday. "Honey, what time do you need to get up for work?" He says "10 after." Great. 10 after 7. So I set my alarm for 6:45 a.m. I'll take advantage of the morning. It is better in the morning right... for trying to make a baby. That's what I've read anyway.

I wake up as he gets out of bed at 6:10. 10 after meant 10 after 6, not 7. No time for baby making. Again, tears. This time I waited until he went to work though, so he wouldn't feel bad.

And then on to Saturday night. I had to go to a party one of my friend's was having. I obsessed about infertility during the party, and by the time I got home, I was convinced that if we weren't pregnant, I was through... done... I was getting off the drugs and starting a diet. So I got home, and went straight to bed... and then the tears. He came in to see what was wrong, and I began....

I used to be cute and fun and perky. I used to be smart and the youngest in my class. Everyone loved me. I was basically chosen for any opportunity that existed, and everything I ever wanted... I got. I made goals and achieved them. I planned and the plan came to fruition. I had dreams and they came true. And then I started trying to get pregnant... to have a baby - what I've always wanted... and now I'm no one. NO ONE.

He doesn't understand why I feel that way, but now... I define myself as INFERTILE. And because of that, nothing else matters.

ROLLER-FREAKIN-COASTER

2010-01-21T16:15:00.000-06:00

Some people say their lives are roller coasters. However, I am telling you... I am a roller coaster. Me, me, me.

I woke up this morning, nervous. Had some wills to do - needed to e-mail them to the office since I was out today. Then I spent much longer than necessary in the shower and ten minutes picking out socks, since that was the only piece of clothing that my doctor was going to see.

I got there 5 minutes before my appointment, and actually had to wait 15 minutes. No, I wasn't unhappy. What's 15 minutes? It's just that I never have to wait at Dr. I's office. Either way, I got back there. Time for the ultrasound.

I KNEW my insides felt like they were about to explode. Whereas I have had two follicles each cycle on Femara, this month I had FOUR. On my left ovary, there was a 32mm follicle and a 25mm follicle. On the right, a 25mm follicle and a 21mm follicle. My uterus lining was at 10mm. I was over the moon. All I heard was FOUR.

We decided to wait until April to go further, with the IUI. I'm going to keep this up for Jan, Feb, and March. That was my idea, and he was glad that's what I decided. He still feels that we (being me and my husband) can do this on our own without anything more invasive. I hope he's right.

Still sky high about the FOUR.

I did have to ask though... is that too big? He said, "No." But I'm convinced that he just said that so I wouldn't cry in the office. After all, what can you do at this point?

I went and had a long and wonderful lunch with my cousin. LOVE her!

And then the dreaded drive back home (2 hours). That's when I began to stress over the follicle size. I'd been to the top of the mountain and was speeding to the bottom of the valley in record time. In all of my reading, I just don't think that you want the follicles to be larger than 22mm.

That leaves me with the 21mm.

But let me tell you what I've decided as I began to climb the mountain again. It's okay. This is not the end of the world, and if this isn't the month, chances are that I have many more months.

A fun-filled weekend and then we wait.
One day, I just might get good at this waiting game.

Dear DR, I am beginning to panic...

2010-01-18T09:56:00.002-06:00

Dear Dr. I,

My clothes don't fit anymore. Since I started fertility meds, I have continuously gained weight. No, I am not suggesting that they're related - just explaining when I started gaining weight. I have pretty clothes in my closet that I can't wear, and I am getting bored with my "fat clothes."

I am debating on whether or not I should stop Femara and start Adipex, for a month or two of losing weight. I mean, this wasn't in my plan. I was supposed to be getting ready to HAVE a baby - not still trying to get pregnant.

Regardless, I nixed the Adipex plan because of course, I want a baby. I need a baby.

During my first appointment, we discussed what we would do "for the next three months." You gave me some idea of what your long term plan was, if it came to that, but I'm not completely convinced that you thought I would still be trying to get pregnant, at this point. You weren't ready to discuss anything past the first three months, in great detail, that is.

However, Dr. I, we're in the third month, and there's no plan laid out and hammered down. Did I mention that I like plans? For me to make it through the duration of this third month, I have to know what our plan is for the fourth month.

I've come up with a few suggestions. (Yes, I know. You didn't expect anything less from me).

We could:

Plan A: Continue on with what I think was your original plan of 3 months Femara/trigger shot (like we're doing), and then move on to intrauterine insemination (IUI). In preparation for this, I've already told my sweet husband that he'll need to make next month's appointment. However, what if the first IUI doens't work, then we're on to the next IUI, and that's a December baby. Can I willingly have a December baby? Could we just skip the second month of IUI?

Plan B: We could just keep on with the Femara/trigger shot until April, which is the next "safe" month to get pregnant. That'd be 5 months of Femara/trigger. How long can I take Femara? Am I doing irreparable damage to my ovaries? Regardless, I only need them to correctly function long enough for me to have one little sweet angel.

And I also need to talk about IVF. I am terrified. Yes, of course, of the cost, but mostly of having unused little ones. My sweet husband will be 38 this year, and there is no plan for having more than one baby. I've always just wanted one little one. What if we get to IVF, and I get pregnant, but have fertilized eggs remaining. Is that like abortion? If I never let them live? Ugh.

I talked to my husband about adoption. I don't think he's on board. He's much more receptive to an "open adoption" where he can know more about the parents, etc. Adoption overwhelms me right now. With my personality, it would've just been easier on everyone if I would've gotten pregnant immediately. Instead, I'm left to make you crazy... my husband crazy... and myself even crazier.

So, doc... back to the plan. I need one ASAP.
Thanks,
The "Type A" Nightmare

Explosion?

2010-01-13T21:14:00.002-06:00

Today is cycle day 7 - the 3rd day of Femara, and I feel like my ovaries are exploding. As the follicles continue to grow, that feeling is only going to get worse. I'm still more than a week away from my doctor's appointment - more than a week from ovulation. That is... unless my ovaries explode first.

IF ONE MORE PERSON POSTS "I'M PREGNANT" ON FACEBOOK, I'M GOING TO BLOW UP FACEBOOK!

2010-01-11T15:02:00.005-06:00

Hahaha! That's how I feel today.

I truly don't think that I'll post our exciting piece of news on facebook - just because I know how deflating that has been for me. Further, I KNOW I won't be posting it on facebook, before I even go for my first appointment.

Now that that's out of the way....

Today is my first day of this month's Femara, and wouldn't you know it!?! I forgot to take it this morning. I suppose I should write "MEDS" on my hand so that I'll definitely remember to take it when I get home.

In attempting to find the silver lining in this journey, let me just say that I am so thankful for Femara. It is such a wonderful drug for me after dealing with Clomid. Clomid made me crazy and only produced one follicle... that is, one follicle during the few months that it produced any follicles. And did I mention that it made me crazy? Femara doesn't affect me in the slightest. I just take my two little pills, and wait for the ultrasound (and probably the shot) on the 21st.

THE 21st
-- a friend's birthday
-- that same friend's custody hearing (Oh how I can sympathize!)
-- the day before my brother's birthday
-- the day before my first custody hearing (on my own, as an attorney).

Nothing like ovulating during a time of high stress. I mean, after all, stress is extremely conducive to baby-making, right? Ha! I jest!

In other news... I went to the doctor last week. My sinuses had lost their mind. I had to get on the scale, in my winter coat and boots, but I didn't go willingly. She said, "Oh, you've gained a pound and a half since last time you were here."

Me: (thinking to myself) Thank you, hag. That's what I wanted to hear this morning, when I already feel like dog poo.

Rather than saying what I was thinking, I responded a little differently: "A pound and a half? That's nothing. I've gained 13 pounds since July."

She made a face and acted completely shocked. "Why?"

Why? Well, I don't know, heifer. I got off birth control and on fertility meds. I can no longer binge eat and then go a day or two without eating, because that is apparently not heathly and thus not conducive to baby-making. Any other stupid questions? (I did actually say some of that to her).

Nurse: Oh, I bet you're pregnant. When women get this crud and can't seem to get over it, they always end up pregnant.

Thank you, lady, for the dumbest comment of the year. No, I am not pregnant. And if you think that sinus trouble is going to get me pregnant, then why didn't I just come to you instead of traveling five hours (round trip) every month to a fertility specialist.

UGH. STUPID PEOPLE.

Meanwhile, I am nine months and 2 days into this baby-making journey.
Had we gotten pregnant immediately, I would be having a baby this month.

Have no fear though... everyone else on facebook is having one.

Another Cycle Day 1

2010-01-07T09:34:00.005-06:00

I continue to smile, because isn't that what everyone wants to see? I pretend to be happy, because isn't that what I'm supposed to be? Aren't I supposed to be so overwhelmed by all the blessings I've been given that I hardly notice the one I haven't received?

Am I acting like the little kid who has a million and one gifts under the tree, but throws a tantrum because she didn't get the thing she wanted most?

I certainly don't want to be ungrateful. I am very thankful for all the blessings that I have been given, but how I long for a baby....

Today is cycle day 1. I have measured the past nine months of my life in cycle days. In fact, in another blog that I follow, I recently read this statement:

"The honest truth is that I have let infertility get the better part of me the last couple of years. Now I am sure my therapist would say that I am simply being too hard on myself, but I am tired of being beaten down. I want to feel optimistic about everything again."

Obviously, I haven't been trying to conceive for "a couple of years" and I don't have a "therapist" - not that I haven't before, and it's actually something that I would recommend... seriously. But more than one person has told me that I'm being too hard on myself, and maybe I am, but it's very hard for me not to perceive this as being my ultimate failure.

That being said, I am realizing that I am not the person I was before I started this journey. Yes, there is silver lining in this journey, but for the most part, I have let trying to conceive steal my joy. As a whole, I am happy, but I'm not joyful. I can't go and spend time with friends and have a carefree evening like I used to, because I always have this looming over my head.

What day is it? When do I start the next med? Which days should we have sex? Should we have sex every day or every other day? After I get the shot, when exactly do I ovulate? Is this going to be a two week wait or a three week wait? Am I going to have a Christmas baby? I didn't want a Christmas baby. I write to my baby. Will there ever be a little person to read all that I am writing? It doesn't even seem real that I will ever see those two pink lines or read the words "Pregnant." Is that a blessing that is too good for me to receive?

During any given day, those are the thoughts that are running through my head. When I'm at work, when I'm at church, when I'm driving, when I'm visiting with friends. I am constantly multi-tasking, because while I'm trying to have a normal conversation with you, I am desperate for my baby at that very same moment.

Maybe one day I can regain focus, but I'm pretty sure it won't be today - not on cycle day 1.

And on to the next...

2010-01-03T18:12:00.002-06:00

BIG FAT NEGATIVE this month.
I won't pretend that my heart isn't a little broken, but I will also tell you that I am growing numb. It is beginning to feel like an unrealistic dream of mine. Maybe I will never become a Mommy.

Regardless, here we go again. I'm waiting for my lovely monthly friend - the one I have such a love/hate relationship with. Can't get pregnant with her, can't get pregnant without her.

So on to January. 9 months and counting.

It's All Coming Up Roses!

2009-12-22T11:42:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure that my title adequately reflects what I'm writing about, but that phrase has been in my head this morning for some reason.

So....

IT'S ALL COMING UP ROSES!
Dr. I seems to think that's what kind of perspective I should have anyway.

I left my house at 6:30 yesterday morning to be on time for my 8:45 a.m. doctor's appointment. Yes, to my knowledge there are a couple of reproductive endocrinologists about thirty minutes closer than the one I chose, but I think that you have to choose a specialist based on more than just location. So... a two hour drive it is.

I signed in at 8:43 and I was checking out at 8:55. I LOVE doctor's who don't make you wait. It's wonderful!

Dr. I walked in the room and I immediately said, "I haven't tested at all since I was here on Friday."

Admittedly I've only seen him three times prior to yesterday's appointment, but he understands me well. He said, "Is it killing you?" Haha. How did he know?

He did the ultrasound. If you'll remember, on Friday, I had a 14mm on the right, and a 11mm and a 6mm on the left. Well, by Monday, they had grown and evolved (and apparently one disappeared) into a 21mm on the left and a 20mm on the right. (I'm talking about follicles, if you didn't gather that already).

I expected the one on the right to have grown into a 20mm over the weekend, but WHOA! Did that 11mm seriously turn into a 21mm in just three overnights? Sweet! Especially since this is the first time that we've had any action from the left ovary. I am slightly partial to my left. I'm left-handed. The heart is on the left side (okay, technically, I think it's in closer to the center, but we're taught it's on the left side, right?). Wedding rings go on the left. I sleep on the left side of the bed (well, the left... if you're looking at the bed... If you're laying in the bed, I guess it's the right).

So... I like left. (And I secretly dream of a left-handed child, but I am NOT picky. I will certainly take a right-handed child. ;o)

I digress...

Then came "the talk...."
Dr. I has apparently clued in to the side of me that my closest friends know. I am devastatingly hard on myself. Two fears? Failure and rejection. This whole infertility thing has been the epitome of failure to me. Being a Mom is something that I always thought I would be good at. Why? Because I learned from the best. And now... to be here at this point where I am so unbelievably ready to be a Mom, and I can't. Why? Because my body is NOT cooperating.

Anyway, after playing bad cop during Friday's appointment. It was apparently time for Dr. I to be good cop. He said, "I know you're discouraged. I know you're tired. But you're doing GREAT. In fact, you couldn't be responding any better."

Leave it to me. I had to cut him off there to say, "You mean, unless I was already pregnant."

He continued, "I know you're working hard, but if you had a friend who had just started trying and she was ovulating perfectly, but wasn't pregnant after two months, you wouldn't tell her to give up. You would tell her that she had just started. We've only had two good months. It's just a matter of time."

I love him. I love him because he gets me. He understands how my brain works, and I promise that is no easy feat.

On a happy note, I do not have to have bloodwork this month. He doesn't see any reason to do the progesterone check. He feels absolutely certain that what we're doing is making me ovulate, and there is no need to double check anymore.

Catherine gave me the trigger shot (hCG) and I left with the instruction of calling them with one of two things... "I'm pregnant!" or "I started." And I think at this point, we all prefer the former.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas, and hoping the holidays make this two week wait more bearable than any other.

What We Have is a Classic Case of Knowing Too Much!

2009-12-18T16:39:00.004-06:00

It would appear that my posting frequency is directly correlated to my mood. Obviously, since I haven't written since December 1 (17 days ago), it would be safe to say that I haven't been jumping over the moon lately.

Good ole' AF came flying in on her broom a whole 18 days after the trigger shot that I had last month. I was having a hard time understanding why there was no AF and all negative pregnancy tests, but I digress... The point is... she came.

Today is Cycle Day 11. Cycle Day 1 is always the day that AF arrives. On that day, I call Dr. I's office and let them know so that I can schedule my mid-cycle ultrasound. No problem. That was scheduled for Dec. 21.

Things rocked along. I started Femara again on cycle day 5 (or CD5 for the sake of simplicity). I take it CD5-9. On day 8, I commented to a friend that I was really cramping and that the medicine must really be working this month. I woke up to spotting on day 9 and excruciating cramps throughout the day. That was my last day of Femara. That night, I took an ovulation test. POSITIVE.

What? You can't ovulate on day 9, especially when you're still taking Femara. I waited until the next morning and tested again. Oh no! It was negative. That meant that I caught the tail end of it, which meant that this month was a bust.

I called Dr. I that morning and explained what was going on. The first thing Catherine (the nurse) told me was that fertility medication can cause false positives. I could still come in on the 21st and have blood drawn to see if I ovulated or I could come in that day. Dr. I wanted me to come in and let him do an ultrasound just to see what was going on.

So, this morning... bright and early, I woke up to make the two hour drive to Dr. I's office. He walked in and I said... "Well, I've hated my body for as long as I can remember, but who knew that the feeling was reciprocated?"

He told me that wasn't a very nice thing to say. Haha. You have to love a positive/optimistic doctor.

He did the ultrasound, and guess what? I did NOT ovulate. Instead, there was a pretty little 14mm follicle growing on the right ovary, and 11mm and 6mm follicles growing on the left side, with lining of 6mm. Which basically means that by Monday (the 21st, and the day of my original appointment), everything will be picture perfect for ovulation.

Then came the lecture.

He told me that I am too hard on myself. To which I responded that on January 9, I will have been trying for 9 months, which means that I could've already had a baby.

Dr. I: Okay, but I'm just getting started. You're being so hard on yourself, and I think that you're responding fantastically. I am very pleased. What we have is a classic case of knowing too much. And the next thing I'm going to tell you is stop testing. It's irrelevant with the monitoring that we're doing.

Me: But what if I ovulate before my mid-cycle appointment?

Dr. I: WHAT IF an airplane falls out of the sky?

Touche'.

Dr. I and his nurse left the room, and I'm going back (on the 2 hour journey) on Monday morning.

Hope you have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I'm simply ecstatic about the holiday time with my little family. I think this just might end up being the easiest two week wait ever. I'll be off work and spending time with the ones I love most. I imagine we'll be too busy for me to go absolutely crazy.

Just as a reminder... Dr. I does things in a "three strikes" type of method. For instance, right now we're on Femara, monitored, with a trigger shot. One cycle down. If this one doesn't work, we'll do one more. If after three, I'm still not pregnant, we move to the next step.

Guess Who's NOT Pregnant?

2009-12-01T16:32:00.002-06:00

If you guessed ME, then you guessed right.

Oh... where to begin???

On November 20, I went back to the RE. He did an ultrasound and saw 2 follicles on my right ovary - a 22mm and a 19mm. Rather than wait for my body to produce an LH surge, he didn't want to risk that I might not have one so he gave me an hCG shot.

Here's my understanding in "dummy" terms. LH (or leutenizing hormone) is the hormone associated with ovulation. hCG (or human chorionic gonadotropin) is the hormone associated with pregnancy. On a molecular level, the two hormones look almost identical, but hCG has a beta subunit (or in "dummy" terms... just a little something extra).

So when it comes to ovulation, hCG has everything that LH has and makes your (or my body, in this case) think that it's time to release follicles, thus the reason for the hCG shot.

That also means that if I had gone home that night and taken a pregnancy test, that it would've been positive. I almost did take one... just to prove to myself that it's actually possible to see "Pregnant" on a pregnancy test. I have begun to think that I only buy the negative tests.

I went home from the appointment again on Cloud 9. Dr. I is wonderful. He hugged my neck when he walked out of the room, and he said, "Call me in two weeks and let me know you're pregnant."

Only I'm not pregnant.

I had my bloodwork done yesterday to check my progesterone level, but it seemed pointless, as I already knew that I wasn't pregnant.

Why?

Because my emotions are overly emotional! Ha! And my face looks like a pizza - as in I look like a teenage boy with an acne problem. Okay. Maybe I'm exaggerating that, but the birth control pill kept my skin so smooth that this "breakout" that I experience once every month is not welcome!

I'm still waiting for the progesterone results. The only thing that could make me feel worse right at this moment is to hear that I didn't ovulate at all. Then again, maybe that would make me feel better, as it would explain why I'm not pregnant.

I am one week away from EIGHT MONTHS at this little game. Yesterday, as I sat in the waiting room, I was lost in thought. It now makes total sense to me why people use the expression "trying." That's all you can do. I just try and try and try. I take meds, push past my fear of needles, and continue to long for my little one - never understanding WHY.

There is a part of me that understands why my Mom died. I've often thought that if I were God, if I got to pick who I wanted to come up to heaven to praise me, I'd have picked my Mom even earlier than He did.

But I do NOT understand why God isn't entrusting me with a little one. (I have to stop going down this path for a moment. If I continue with my lack of understanding, tears will begin to flow and I've had enough of those for now.)

In fact, Sunday night, I curled up in my sweet husband's arms and just sobbed, and the only thing I could say to him over and over again is....

"I just don't understand."

Let's Talk About Trans Fats

2009-11-17T15:31:00.002-06:00

In some of my recent reading material - an article titled "14 Ways to Boost Your Fertility," number 8 hit me in the face, like a ton of bricks.

ELIMINATE TRANS FATS

It wasn't the actual wording that horrified me, it was the big picture of french fries that will likely haunt me well into the future.

No french fries? Seriously? It is a common occurrence for my lunch to consist of one large order of french fries. Surely THAT is not why I don't have a baby.

Secretly, I tink I had already read this, but today I am soaking it in. I'd like to think that the spinach salad that I ate for dinner last night made up for the large fry that I ate at lunch, but I'm guessing that's not the case.

In fact, not only does it say to limit trans fats, but it actually says to avoid them altogether if possible. Surely you can detect the tears in this post. I think that french fries (and bread and potatoes fixed in any other way) may be my favorite food!

What are some other foods with trans fat?
Margarine, cake mixes, Bisquick, soups, fast food of most all kinds, pot pies, waffles, pizza, donuts, cookies, cakes, chips & crackers, cereal, flavored coffee, and salad dressings.

That's just to name a few.

The better question for me would be ... What do I eat that does NOT have trans fat? Oh look... I'm not even sure I can come up with one answer to that.

Mor reading tells me that Cheez-Its! (which just happen to be my breakfast food of choice) contain 0 grams of trans fat) and apparently now McDonald's fries all of their fries in trans fat free cooking oil (that was my lunch yesterday), and even a personal pan pepperoni from Pizza Hut (today's lunch) has only 0.5 grams of trans fat, so maybe I'm not doing quite as bad as I'd originally thought.

Regardless, maybe it's time for me to make a change in my diet.

And it's back to Dr. I on Friday! Hoping that November is my month!

The List

2009-11-12T14:20:00.002-06:00

Many different websites give a list of 20 things all couples should do before getting pregnant.

1. FUEL UP ON FOLIC ACID.
I started taking prenatals in September 2008. Check!

2. JUST SAY "NO" TO PARTYING.
This is slightly humorous. I am a non-partyer. In fact, most say that I'm a very OLD 27-year-old. I was the one in law school who was going to bed at the same time that my friends were going out. Check!

3. GIVE THAT CUP OF JOE THE HEAVE-HO.
Okay. I've essentially stopped coffee - not that it was ever a major factor for me anyway. I did have a cup on Sunday, but only because I was well aware that I was NOT pregnant. Other than that, I have limited myself to one caffeinated beverage a day, much less than the amount of caffeine that is acceptable according to "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

4. GET YOUR WEIGHT IN CHECK.
My weight was in heck before I started fertility drugs. I have gained a whopping 12 pounds since July, when I started meds. However, apparently, I am still a fine weight. I asked both Dr. P and Dr. I if I should lose weight. Both laughed.

5. STOCK YOUR FRIDGE WITH HEALTHY FOODS.
Oh the guilt! No, my refrigerator is not full of healthy foods, but I have made a conscious effort to eat more green, more vegetables, etc. I really am going to eat even healthier when I know I have a little one whose health depends on me, but for now, it's hard to have the motivation to eat foods I don't like.

6. CREATE AND FOLLOW AN EXERCISE PROGRAM.
And more guilt... I'm not very good at making the time to exercise, but I do GO nonstop. Maybe that counts for something. I keep saying that I'm going to start walking every day, but it's difficult when it's already dark when I get home. And I can't run, because people who run religiously and work out strenuously have even more problems with annovulation. I don't need help in that area, so I'll have to keep it light.

7. SEE YOUR DENTIST.
Yep. I did that in January and again in July. I took care of all dental necessities for the time being. I have had TWO checkups in this process, and if we don't get the ball rolling, I'm going to have to see my dentist again.

8. GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR MEDICAL ROOTS.
I think that I'm pretty much in touch with them. I mean, with the medical history forms that you have to fill out for every doctor, I've memorized who had what problems.

9. SCHEDULE A PRECONCEPTION VISIT.
That was in March, which now seems like a decade ago.

10. FIGURE OUT WHEN YOU OVULATE.
Aha! Now here's where we have a real problem. This is the hang up - the reason I don't already have a little one on his/her way. Oh... little list of 20, if it were only that easy.

11. CALL YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY
Yes, I did that. I've done that on several occasions, but I'm sure I'll be doing it again, as it seems inevitable that our insurance will have changed during this long and tedious process.

12. MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A FINANCIAL ADVISER.
I have consulted myself, and am fully aware that having a little one will be costly, but I am confident that we'll be able to handle it.

13. GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.
This one makes me laugh out loud. it is quite humorous! I thought my mental health was fine, until I started this infertility journey. Now, my mental health is WAY out of whack, but again, little list of 20, thanks for trying.

14. AVOID INFECTIONS.
Seriously? Just for the record, I can't recall any time when I wasn't trying to avoid infections. Are there people out there trying to get infected? Check!

15. ELIMINATE ENVIRONMENTAL DANGERS
I don't think I have environmental dangers, so to speak. No chemicals, etc. lying around. I don't even use blemish medication, because I've heard it's dangerous. Check!

16. THINK YOUR DECISION THROUGH.
If I had not thought my decision through, I have certainly had time to do so since we began this journey. But the good news is that I've been thinking this through for years, maybe even a decade, but certainly since I got married 3 1/2 years ago.

17. TELL A FRIEND.
Check! I'm pretty sure they were telling me that it was time, before I actually confessed that it was, in fact, time.

18. BUY SOMETHING SEXY.
Seriously? I'm going to throw up. Why? But just in an effort to complete my list, Check! Victoria's Secret purchase.

19. TOSS YOUR BIRTH CONTROL.
Check! Done! More than seven months ago.

20. TAKE A RIDE ON THE WILD SIDE.
Based on my reading, this means do anything that you won't be doing for a while. I was already over that, but sometimes I find myself doing these things every time I'm NOT pregnant - (e.g. extended amounts of caffeine, tanning bed, etc.). Check!

Dear Little List of 20 Things That I Need to Do Before I Get Pregnant,
You are done. I have conquered you. Granted, we are still working on when/if I ovulate, but over all... You have been defeated. Now, where's my baby? Oh... and for the record, I could think of plenty more that should be done before you're pregnant. Research babysitters/daycares, pediatricians, cord blood banking, carseats and cribs, discuss and choose names, mentally draft the scheme of the nursery, create a baby shower list (at this point, I'm sure there are people whose names have changed, who are deceased, or who have otherwise dropped off the face of the earth... yes, it has been that long since I made the baby shower guest list). The list goes on and on, but just in case you're wondering, yes... I've done all of that too. So... nah, nah, nah (as I stick my tongue out at you). I did your dumb list, and I want my baby already!

November 9

2009-11-09T14:38:00.004-06:00

Today is November 9.

Seven months ago, I stopped taking birth control pills.

For seven months, I've waited to see a positive pregnancy test.

For seven months, I've watched other people announce their pregnancies.

For seven months, I've looked at big round bellies and wanted my own big fat belly.

But mostly, for seven months, my heart has ached for my little baby.

Seven months.

Just think... I could have been two months away from my own little bundle of joy, but instead I'm entertaining my visiting "Aunt."

On a more positive note, tomorrow is my first day of Femara.

Maybe I'll have happy news by December 9th.

No Baby, but a Very Unwelcome Aunt

2009-11-06T09:51:00.003-06:00

Cramps. Tears. And yes, even sore boobs. Next month, remind me that only means one thing. Good ole' Aunt Flow is waiting in the wings.

I didn't even expect her until Monday, but she apparently wanted to start my weekend off right. I just sat on the edge of the bed and cried.

I have stayed out of the tanning bed. I have limited myself to one caffeinated drink every day. I have tried to eat more green things (a.k.a. vegetables). I haven't taken any over-the-counter meds for the horrible sinus junk that is keeping me up at night. I'm battling my tendonitis as gently as possible - decided to forego the oral steroids, and am working with a steroid patch and thumb spica (brace). The sweet orthopedic doctor didn't even x-ray my wrist because I "might be" (ha... whatever) pregnant.

I am tired. I am tired of medicine. I am tired of peeing on sticks. I am tired of scheduled sex.

Honestly, this morning, I just wanted to crawl back into my bed and pretend that I didn't exist for the rest of the day.

And days like today... days when AF (Aunt Flow) arrives when she is not welcome, I feel that I am entitled to self-indulgence. I anticipate a trip to the tanning bed. Like my Momma always said... "Tan fat is better than white fat." (Man, I miss her. And before she sounds like a tanning bed queen, she actually quit laying in a tanning bed years before she passed away, because they were "dangerous" and she didn't like me laying in them.)

To further my self-indulgence, I anticipate taking a decongestant tonight so that I can sleep, and I just may drink Mountain Dew all day long. Yes, I am a Rebel.

I once saw a piece of decorative art that said, "A baby fills a place in your heart that you never knew was empty." I could not even possibly disagree with that more. When I have my baby, he/she will fill a place in my heart that I constantly aware is empty. In fact, maybe that is one of the lessons I am supposed to learn. Maybe I am supposed to have a whole, full and good heart before I can have a baby, but this hole, this ache, is so overwhelming that I cannot imagine it being fixed with anything else.

And of course, I will give God all the credit, because if there is anything I have learned in the last almost seven months... every single birth, every single conception is honest-to-goodness a miracle. No one can take credit for that except God. There are so many things that have to be lined up and so many things that have to be working together and working correctly that it's impossible for it to happen without God. So, I'm not sure how anyone can ever have a baby and not be overwhelmed instantly at the perfect love that God is showing them and giving them in the process.

I want that.

Thank God for giving me a wonderful husband. Before he even knew my "news," he woke up, saw me getting ready and said, "I like that shirt, baby." Awe... thanks. It's a new shirt. I have actually been purchasing "fat clothes" lately, because I feel so bloated all the time.

(Insert here: Remind me next month that if Aunt Flow is coming, I will feel particularly bloated... so bloated, in fact, that I may leave court to go buy something less fitted. Yes, I did that yesterday.)

So today's shirt is a new shirt... a larger shirt that makes me feel small. If you haven't inferred this yet... I am an extremist. I am 100% up or 100% down. 100% for or 100% against. I love you 100% or I don't at all. That's who I am. Which means that when I went to buy "fat clothes," I went into the store wearing size 3 jeans and an XS shirt and left with size 7 jeans and a L shirt. BUT it made me feel better.

But back to my husband... he said goodbye a little longer this morning, kissed me a little longer, hugged me a little tighter and gave me all the encouragement in the world, without really saying anything. Have I mentioned how much I love him? And how blessed I absolutely realize that I am?

The current plan is that on Tuesday, I will start the new medicine - Femara. I will take that through Saturday. Then on Nov. 20, I will go back to the doctor (over 2 hours away) for another ultrasound to see if the new medicine is working.

But for now... no July 2010 baby.

And Now... In the Eye of the Storm

2009-11-05T12:22:00.003-06:00

I guess it's past time for a post - that is, if anyone is ever reading this thing. I went and had my blood work done last Friday. I'm not sure if I've said this before, but I never got "permission" from my obgyn (Dr. P) to go to a "specialist" (Reproductive Endocrinologist). Don't get me wrong. She wasn't opposed. I just didn't get a referral so to speak. So when I walked in with orders from Dr. I, the nurse called me back for bloodwork, and said, "I feel like we didn't help you very much." Of course, I attempted to make her feel better. What did I expect from them? This wasn't their specialty. I want them to deliver my baby, but they aren't helping me make one. She ended our conversation with, "For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. We ARE going to get a baby."

I always read about ladies having to wait on blood test results, and I am always so glad that I have never had to wait for results. It seems that they always go immediately into Dr. P's computer, and she gives me the results when she's in the room with me. So imagine my surprise when they told me they would have my progesterone results back on Monday. Wow... WAIT. Why did I expect anything less?

That began the STORM.... That's when I became a basketcase or so it seems. By Sunday, I was ready to cry. Why? Who knows? For any reason. I think "hormones" is becoming a legitimate excuse for all of my unacceptable behavior.

In Sunday School, our teacher was talking about health and life and how it can all just change in an instant. He looked at me, referring to my Mom... and that was all it took to start the tears. I didn't want to cry - not there, not right at that moment, but man, I miss my Mom, which brings me to my next thought...

When Mom was sick, I talked to God so much. During some moments, He felt like my only friend. One day, when we got some particularly bad news, I was sitting in my Mom's living room (alone) and began to talk to God out loud. I told Him that if He would just make Mom well, that if He would just let me keep her forever, then He could have my baby. Now, I did not take that lightly. I've always wanted to be a Mom more than anything else in this world, but I was not ready to lose my Mom. Sometimes I wonder if I was writing my destiny... I hope not. I didn't get to keep my Mom. In fact, I didn't keep her much longer than that conversation, so I hope I get my baby.

And then, I dreamed about my Mom... only she had died in my dream too. I sat in a huge conference room of a hotel and cried until I didn't think I had anything left, because I didn't want to lose her. When I woke up on Monday morning, I was absolutely exhausted. It seems that crying all night long in your dreams is just as exhausting as if you'd actually been doing it.

I waited all day on Monday for the results. Nothing. Finally at 3:30, I called Dr. P's office to see if they'd gotten them back and if they'd faxed them to Dr. I. The nurse called me back after 4:30 (which is when Dr. I's office closes) and said she'd faxed them. Great... still not results. WAIT. Imagine that.

So, Tuesday morning, shortly after 8, Dr. I's office called, and yay! The nurse said, "We got your progesterone results and they were great!" Isn't that the best way to start off a conversation? She didn't even give me the number before telling me it was great! So... again, yay!

My level was over 15. I've been saying it was 15.1 - only because that's the lowest number over 15, and I can't remember exactly what she said. I stopped listening after the "15." So it could've actually been a little higher. I was just hoping for something over 10, but she said they wanted it to be over 12. So... we were good. I ovulated, and my progesterone was at a level that would make a baby stick... if there was a baby.

YAY! Happy ... for a while, but then the anxiety came. Then I became obsessed with knowing if I am pregnant. My mind is going something like this....

My face is broken out. Am I pregnant?
I'm kind of crampy. Am I pregnant?
I feel like I Mom. I'm going to be a good Mom. Am I pregnant?

The peak of this obsession was when I stood in front of the mirror examining my stomach, thinking how badly I wanted a big, fat round baby belly....

Finally, on Wednesday morning, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to test.

Yes, I realize that it was probably too early. Even today, I am not expecting my dear female friend for about four more days, but I was hoping ... like you can't even imagine.

BUT...

The results were NEGATIVE.

And that's when the emotions really began.

The Calm Before the Storm

2009-10-28T14:44:00.004-05:00

Trying to conceive (TTC) and even more importantly aching to be a Mommy has consumed my life, and honestly, even before I started blogging, it was something that I could have written about every single day. I think that's why this CALM is slightly scary.

I called the doctor's office on Monday. Like me, they thought ovulating around cycle day 30 was odd, but nonetheless, "it can never hurt to check your progesterone." They faxed my orders over, and I'm supposed to have my progesterone checked (blood work) on Friday at my regular obgyn's office. Stay with me here. Most people have their progesterone checked on cycle day 21, which is why it has been termed the "21 day draw." Do you find it even slightly humorous that I will be having my 21 day draw on day 36?

To add even more humor to this ridiculous situation... I just purchased an iPhone. I put it off for long enough, and finally bit the bullet. I was in the "App Store" last night when I came across an OvulationTrak application. I downloaded it (it was Free), and began to put my information in. Guess what? The application is now deleted from my phone. One of the questions is "your average cycle length." You can only choose a numerical value between 20 and 40. However, my current cycle will be approximately 46 days. So much for OvulationTrak.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with iPhones (as I am, to be completely honest), the App Store is where you buy different applications for your phone. As one of my friends says, "Apps are what makes the iPhone cool." All I have at this point is Facebook and E! Regardless, that's what Apps are. There are games, organizers, photo editors, and the list goes on and on.

So anyway... I am halfway through the first week of my two week wait (a.k.a. the only form of torture worse than that used in concentration camps), but for now... I am completely calm.

Funny Enough for Fiction

2009-10-24T14:22:00.005-05:00

On Thursday, after my RE appointment, I basked in the glow of the day. I was so excited that the appointment went well, that my medicine was covered by insurance, that I was home to see my husband, and the list just goes on and on. In fact, I was so excited that I completely forgot to actually start taking my medicine.

When I woke up on Friday morning, I realized I had not taken Provera the day before, and wondered if I was subconsciously trying to sabotage myself. Taking Provera a day late would make my period delay even more, which would delay ovulation even more - I'm sure you get it. No big deal though. The medicine was in my purse and I would take it when I got to the office. Only when I got to the office, the medicine wasn't in my purse.

By that evening, on my way home, my ovaries were not happy. In fact, my abdomen felt full of knives. I texted a friend, "I think that the name of tomorrow's post will be 'My Ovaries: I Think They Hate Me.'" (I am very aware of my ovaries these days.)

I got home and we were in a hurry to go on our double date to the movie, "Couples' Retreat," (which I hightly recommend. It was hilarious!) Regardless, I began looking for my medicine. It was no where to be found. Finally, I wondered if I had thrown it away. It was on the counter with the grocery bags on Thursday, so maybe I accidentally tossed it. Turns out... Yes, I found my CVS bag, with both prescriptions, in the bottom of the trash can. Wow. Am I sure I'm ready to be a mom? Haha.

I put the pill bottles on my dresser and decided, just for the heck of it, to take an ovulation test. I mean Dr. I did see a 19mm follicle, which he said looked "great," and I was really crampy! Of course, the chances of an LH surge (and thus ovulation of that "great" follicle) this late in the month - day 29 of my cycle - seemed slim-to-none. Regardless, I peed on the stick, and we rushed out the door on our way to the movies.

When we got home, I looked at the test. You have GOT to be kidding me! It seriously looked positive, so I decided to take a digital test. Positive.

Who ovulates on Day 29? That's when most people are expecting their period. Insane!

The test was still positive this morning and even this afternoon. That means no medicine for me... not any time soon anyway. I'll call Dr. I on Monday to see what our game plan is and where I go from here.

But for now, a two-week wait.

And then... Well, I'm either pregnant, or I guess I start the Femara.

I am learning that God not only has a plan, but He also has a sense of humor.

My First RE Appointment

2009-10-23T13:32:00.007-05:00

I woke up before my alarm went off. The nervous excitement hit me before I was even aware of where I was, because although I wasn't completely cognizant of my surroundings, I knew that today was the day. Today was the day I would meet my reproductive endocrinologist.

I tried to lay there and maybe even go back to sleep, until it was actually time to get up, but that just seemed impossible. I got up and got in the shower, careful of any and all grooming associated with a "female doctor." (When I say "female doctor," I don't mean an actual female doctor, I mean a doctor dealing with female factors). I didn't anticipate any disrobing, but one can never be too sure.

I dressed in matching panties and bra, wore a short-sleeved shirt to make taking my blood pressure and/or blood easier, and began the process of getting ready to look like someone who needed to be a Mommy more than anyone else. I'm not really sure how you do that, but I was trying nonetheless.

Obviously, I got ready with plenty of time to spare, which meant that I waited... and I waited... and finally, when I couldn't stand it any longer, I left at 7:45 a.m. Keep in mind that my appointment was not until 9, but I couldn't sit and wait any longer. I went and got breakfast - a bacon biscuit and a coke from McDonald's. I'm not sure how I managed to eat it, but I did and it tasted amazing. Then I drove on to the massive building that houses my reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I sat in the parking lot and read until 8:30, when I decided it was time to make my way inside.

I found my destination - the 6th floor - and told the receptionist who I was and what time my appointment was. She gave me paperwork, took my picture, made copies of my insurance card and driver's license. I was there, and I could hardly believe it.

I have become accustomed to waiting in Dr. P's waiting room for at leat an hour and a half and usually even longer than that, so when the nurse called my name before I could even finish my paperwork, I was completely shocked.

Some nurses just suck. I don't know how else to put it, but this was not one of those nurses. Catherine was wonderful! She looks like Malibu Barbie, but is as sweet as Aunt Bea. We reviewed my records, talked about medical history, my husband's medical history, and she said, "Well, it just sounds like you haven't even been given a chance to try to get pregnant on your own." That made me slightly nervous. I didn't want to hear the "Relax. Be patient." talk from anyone there. (Don't worry. That turned out not to be the case at all). She exited the room and said that the doctor would be there shortly.

In walks Dr. I, whose first words were, "You are SO cute. You NEED a baby of your own." Okay, doctor, you officially have a fan now. Yes, he may tell all of his patients that, but it was exactly what I wanted to hear from him. He pulled out his "anatomy of the female body" notepad and began to draw pictures and explain. I got slightly anxious about going over things that I already knew so I completed his sentences a little - just to let him know that I know what's up. Remember? I got an A+ in knowing what's up. Haha.

He began to explain that day 1 is considered the first day of regular flow. Okay. Yes, I know that. He moved to day 3, and the blood work that he likes to have done (and in fact must be done) on day 3 - FSH, TSH, Prolactin. I filled that blank in as he started talking about day 3. I was fully aware of what should be tested on day 3. I even explained that I had used the fertility test (pee-on-a-stick test) to test my FSH, and it was fine. He didn't seem too worried about my FSH though, and decided that we should go ahead and test my TSH (thyroid) and Prolactin levels that day, since those can be tested any time.

Dr. I was not convinced that Clomid was working for me. He didn't like the sporadic response I was (or was not) getting, and he was somewhat surprised that I hadn't had any follow-up with the Clomid (e.g. blood work and/or ultrasounds). Now, Dr. I was speaking my language. Follow-up! That's what I wanted! That's what I'd wanted all along! He also didn't understand why I was taking progesterone. I couldn't help him on that one, because I wasn't sure either. I just took it because Dr. P told me too. It would make more sense to take progesterone if you'd had repeated miscarriages or something of that nature. Regardless, Dr. I wants me to make my own progesterone, if and when the time comes.

That's wonderful news for me, because I like to call progesterone the FAP (fat @#$ pill). It's what is responsible for the ten pounds that I have gained in the last three months. Thank you, Progesterone, but I won't be needing your assistance and extra baggage (literally) anymore.

He continued with our plan - the plan that he was TELLING me, not a plan that I had concocted. It was like a dream come true. He would prescribe Provera and Femara. The Provera would bring on lovely Aunt Flow, at which time I was just to call the office to let them know she'd arrived. On cycle days 5-9, I would take Femara (just like I took Clomid). On day 14, he wanted me back in the office for an ultrasound. In the meantime, I was to continue using ovulation tests so that we could see if the ovulation tests correspond with what the ultrasound and blood work tell us.

I told Dr. I about my fears regarding in vitro, and he completely understood. (I'll share those with you sometime). But he said that he felt like I was a long way from that, and that we didn't even need to talk about it at this point. Dr. I thinks that with the right medicine, hubby and I can do this on our own, without more invasive procedures. That is definitley nice to hear. I'd actually prefer to do it on our own - the normal way.

Because I'd never had an ultrasound before and because I may or may not have cysts, Dr. I decided to do an ultrasound while I was there. That involved disrobing from the waist down and covering with the nice little sheet they provide. I've learned a trick that makes me feel some better. I always take a pair of socks with me to the doctor's office. If I can wear socks, then at least I'm not completely naked. Not to mention that no one is able to study my feet up close and personal, if I'm wearing socks. So, pants off, socks on, and I am looking at my ovaries. Wonderful! I have ovaries. I AM a girl. In fact, everything was picture perfect. I did have a large follicle on my right ovary, but he didn't think I would ovulate that late in my cycle, and said it would probably just go away.

Then it was time for blood work. Cringe! It was easier to be violated during the ultrasound, than to prepare for the needle. (For those of you who are unfamiliar, it was not the cute little ultrasound like on TV, where they rub a handheld device across your belly. I will just leave it at that.) But even that, for me, isn't as bad as needles, which I hate. I looked at the nurse in the lab, and with pleading eyes, asked if she would use a butterfly needle. She turned up her nose and was like, "I don't know. I'll have to look around and see if we have any of those things." My stress level was rising, until I realized that she had begun to smile. Apparently, butterfly needles are all that they use. That made me feel better.

The needle didn't hurt. I was a big girl, and the nurse was adorable. EVERYONE was so nice there. I didn't know that was possible.

I got my prescriptions and was on my way out the door, with a new game plan. Now for the two hour drive home... During that trip, I made lunch plans with my husband, called the office to make sure things were going smoothly, stopped for gas, and before I could even travel thirty miles, the doctor's office was calling to let me know that my blood work results were back. My thyroid level was great. My Prolactin level was great, but unfortunately, I was not (am not) pregnant. (When the doctor ordered that test, I told him that I could save him some time, since I already knew what that test result would be). I was amazed at the quick turn around and how fast they got back to me. Yay for the RE!

Then I began to think about the medicine, and the fact that my insurance doesn't cover fertility drugs. Although I was prescribed Clomid, I actually took the generic version, which was only around $20 each month - not a big expense and nothing that I thought twice about, but I had a fear about the price tag associated with Femara.

I decided to call a pharmacist friend, and he said that it would be expensive - around $140. Now, before I sound like a huge "tight wad" who isn't willing to pay the price for having a baby, let me explain that one prescription at that price is no big deal - very doable, but I am a planner, and when I started thinking about how many months it may take and how many times I would have to refill that prescription, it changed the dynamic of the cost. $140 is not bad, but $140 times month after month after month, is an expense.

Obviously, that is NOT what I wanted to hear, but already I can't put a price on my baby. I'll do anything, spend every dime I ever have to be a Mommy.

So, I dropped my prescription off and went to have lunch with my sweet husband. On the way to pick up the medicine, my worry turned into a prayer that went something like this: "God, I don't know what You would do with this. Insurance doesn't cover what insurance doesn't cover, and I don't anticipate any one-day-sales. I'm just going to pay for it and could You somehow make it bearable?"

As I waited in the drive-thru line at the pharmacy, I read my new book and refused to worry about the cost anymore. Finally, it was my turn. I gave them my name and asked for my prescriptions. She handed me what I needed to sign and I handed her my credit card. Then, she said... "$11.67." My heart stopped. "What? Are you sure? What prescriptions are those?" Provera and Femara. It was the right ones. Wow! I made her double check and even look to see how much it would've cost before insurance. $162. But, everything was right, and it was only $11.67.

Now THAT was a God thing.

As was the fact that Dr. I prescribed Femara in the first place, since I asked Dr. P about that very medicine two months ago, but she'd never heard of it, so the discussion ended there.

Everything about this appointment made me feel like I am right where I'm supposed to be.

October 23, 2009

I'm an A+, OCD and Born to be a Mommy... just sayin'...

2009-10-22T16:07:00.008-05:00

Okay. So today is the day before my RE appointment. I feel slightly nauseous. I'm just so nervous and excited. Anxious is a good word too.

Last week, since I knew I would be out of the office this week, I started gathering medical records - getting together everything I would need for this appointment.

I read through all the progress notes. One visit's notes struck me as particularly humorous. It said, "grossly oriented to person, place and time," which is the only statement that may or may not have been describing my obsessiveness in this area of my life. (CLE stat: 19% of attorneys are OCD. That leads me to wonder if OCD-types are drawn to practicing law or if praciticing law makes someone OCD).

I immediately messaged a friend in the medical profession to see what my doctor was really saying about me. Here was the response:

"It's part of the mini-mental status exam (mmse) and mental status exam. It means a person is really dialed into reality when it comes to people, places and time. There is lots to infer from what the patient says. If they were given a grade on cognition, the person would get an A+ if they were 'grossly oriented to...'"

I heard A+ so that can't be bad.

You know what's silly? I'm contemplating how I can impress the doctor/nurse(s) tomorrow. I want them to be of the opinion that I was born to be a Mommy. I don't want them to second-guess helping me get pregnant - not that I think they sit around judging/grading potential parents, but surely you understand what I'm saying.

I was born to be a Mommy. That's why I have such a hard time understanding why I'm not already pregnant.

October 21, 2009

CLE. TTC. and now RE.

2009-10-20T21:42:00.006-05:00

I'm actually handwriting a blog post today (obviously I'll have to type it later). I'm stuck in a continuing legal education (CLE) seminar with a legal pad and pen. The bulk of this work week is alone time for me, and aside from the frequent phone calls back to reality to check in with my hubby, Mamaw, and little brother, the voice that I'm hearing the most is that of the TomTom.

I'm at a CLE, about four hours from home - a seminar designed for young lawyers, which has turned out to be primarily newly admitted attorneys. I'm sitting next to the biggest law dork in history and suddenly very glad that I'm writing this instead of typing it, where my description of the law dork would be displayed across my screen for all to see.

You see, they e-mailed the seminar materials last week - over 1,000 pages. Law dork beside me printed each page, punched holes, and not only is it nicely bound, but he's diligently taking notes. Meanwhile, I text anyone who I think will text back and even some who I know won't, and play on facebook, via cellphone.

Why did I sign up for a CLE sans WiFi? Sans does mean "without", doesn't it? Where's Google when I need it? As I write this, I am becoming increasingly aware that I now look like Law Dork. To all observers, we now both appear to be diligently taking notes.

The only things I've learned thus far? #1: No sex with clients. No problem. That has never even crossed my mind. The only sex I'm interested in is with my sweet hubby - scheduled or not. #2: Get along with opposing counsel. Um, okay. That's a little more difficult. Does this guy know lawyers? Haha.

So back to no WiFi... That's probably a good thing. Not only does Law Dork NOT need to see what I write about him, but no one else around me needs to see my list of frequented websites - conceive.com, cafemom.com, mommyland.net, and most recently glamour.com's Storked!

After lunch, I'll have some reading material. The book I'm reading is in my car - Rattled! by Chrstine Coppa. Great book! She's the author of Storked! - a blog on Glamour.com.

Two hair-pulling days of CLEs is a perfect lead up to my first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) on Thursday. Yep.

Since my last post, there has not been much to tell. It's a good thing I didn't plan for the IUI on October 9, as I still have not ovulated. So, let's review. Clomid - Round 1? Failed. Round 2? Success! Round 3? Success! Round 4? FAIL. There's no method to the madness.

That means that now all plans are on hiatus until I take more drugs. Because for now, no ovulation. No period. Yes, I could jump start my period with Provera, but I hate Provera.

I need a specialist. Let me tell you how I reached that conclusion.

On the Monday following the girls' weekend - the weekend that I spent obsessively peeing on sticks (ovulation tests), I called the doctor's office and left a message for the nurse that sounded something like this:

"So good thing we didn't plan for the IUI. I didn't ovulate, but I've been real crampy for almost a week. At my appointment last Tuesday, she said both ovaries had lots of cysts - the good kind. I'm thinking they have become the bad kind since I didn't ovulate. Where do I go from here? Really don't want to take Provera. Can I get back on birth control for a couple of weeks, then maybe a higher dose of Clomid this month? And do I need to do anything or worry about these cysts - the ones that I think I have?"

The nurse called back - not with an answer, but apparently to let me personally ask those questions, which I did. She promised to call back.

And she did.

Nurse: "Dr. P said going back on the pill for a couple of weeks would be fine. Do you need a script?"

Me: "No. I have one. What'd she say about upping my Clomid dosage?"

Nurse: "Oh, I didn't ask. If I see her again today, I'll call you back. If not, it'll be tomorrow."

She called the next day.

Nurse: "Clomid 100 mg will be fine. We're calling it in to your pharmacy."

Me: "Great! What'd she say about the cysts (that I may or may not have)?"

Nurse: "Um, she didn't say anything."

UGH. Did she not say anything because I'm not supposed to do anything? Or did she not say anything because you didn't ask? Isn't this potentially problematic? Forget it. I don't want the stupid birth control or the stupid Clomid. I want an RE.

And thus my decision to go to an RE was made. I am ready for someone to answer my intense questioning. I want someone to TELL me what we're going to do, rather than simply okay my suggestions.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Dr. P. She seriously rocks, and there is no one I would rather deliver my baby. I trust her with all my gynecological needs, and will trust her with all of my obstetric needs, but when it comes to infertility, I want someone who does infertility everyday. I want someone who does IUIs and IVF procedures in their sleep.

So... wish me luck on Thursday!

And with that being said, it is finally lunch time. A break from the madness that is continuing legal education.

***AUTHOR'S NOTE: As I type this tonight, I have to tell you about Law Dork. After lunch, he sat back down in his seat and felt compelled to say... "I think I'm the only tool that actually printed all this out." I thought I was going to spit out my Sprite. I don't know why I found that so funny, but tonight as I told my cousin that story over dinner, I felt tears come to my eyes. You just have to love a law dork, and I was lucky enough to witness that self-realization, when Law Dork discovered that he was, in fact, a law dork.

October 20, 2009

If I stop writing, know I've been admitted into a psychiatric hospital.

2009-10-13T10:35:00.005-05:00

That's how I'm beginning to feel.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday. She was very encouraging, calmed me down a bit, and we decided that we would do an IUI this week.

I'll stop there.

Have I mentioned that I've only ovulated TWICE, and already I feel this desperate and ready to give up? Honestly, would I ever tell someone who had spent two months trying to conceive that they should give up? Why no! I would tell that they're just getting started and to give it time.

So why can't I take my own advice?

It could be that I spent the first three months not ovulating, which means that tomororw, it will be exactly six months since I tossed my birth control pills. And six months is half a year, and half a year scares me.

Back to the doctor...

So IUI on Friday. Because thankfully, I called and talked to my insurance company back in August, and they do cover IUIs. They actually cover anything up to the point of an infertility diagnosis.

But, because I am extremely Type A and must double check my double checking... I called the insurance company yesterday morning. Guess what? My August information was incorrect. I, apparently, talked to someone who woke up stupid that day. My insurance will NOT cover IUIs.

Okay... no biggie. We'll just pay for it. Only wait a minute. If I have the procedure done, the insurance company views it as an infertility diagnosis, as that's the only reason for an IUI (or so they say). That means no more diagnostic testing, no more blood work, etc. Nothing else in this direction will be covered under my insurance policy. Am I ready to take that step?

I spent the morning crying, became infuriated with (and yes, even hung up on twice) my husband, because he trusts my judgment. Great, right? But when it comes to things like this, I would rather him just tell me what we're goign to do so that I don't have to decide.

More tears...

(I must interrupt this tearful dialogue to share with you the more rational thinking me, which you rarely ever get to hear... I am leaving to go out of town on Friday morning at 10. My husband is leaving that evening to go out of town, in another direction. I anticipated a positive ovulation test on Thursday - today. IUI was scheduled for Friday morning at 10. I called the ladies I was going out of town with... They would wait until 11. That meant I would be in a frenzy of activity all Friday morning, and then have to race to a girls' weekend. It was too much. Too much, too fast, and way too much to digest for this Type A personality).

Back to the hysterical one...

I wanted this IUI. I wanted it NOW. I want a baby NOW. What if it doesn't work? She'll only do 3 IUIs before referring me to an RE. I'm not ready to start counting down from 3. My doctor said that she would normally do 3 unassisted ovulatory cycles, before starting IUIs for 3 cycles. I'm on #3. Maybe I'll go ahead with unassisted #3, and start IUIs in November. Maybe....

For once in my life, I found "peace" with the answer that required waiting. I was shocked, but called the doctor back yesterday afternoon to tell her that I would just wait until November.

Today... no positive ovulation test. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe this weekend? Either way, it looks like I made the right decision.

October 8, 2009

The Evil Villain (CM) Brutally Kills Superman (Sperm)

2009-10-13T10:30:00.004-05:00

Haha. Okay. No, I do not have any new diagnosis to share. But as I sit and torment myself over why I am not pregnant and what could possibly be wrong, self-diagnosing throughout the day, I quietly imagine Superman Sperm trying desperately to give me what I want - a baby, but the evil villain (cervical mucus, who looks a lot like Cat Woman in my imagination) just ensures that it won't happen.

I never thought I'd reach a day when cervical mucus (which I'd never even heard of a year ago) and sperm were cartoon characters, villains and/or super heroes, in my daydreams.

My new fear, as played out above, is that the Clomid has creative hostile cervical mucus (look it up... it happens) and that the terrible CM is killing my honey's swimmers. I've created a million more fears, if you're ever interested.

Nonetheless, I'm ready for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. We have a lot to talk about, and we've got to do something new. I have my charts ready and my outline. I need a baby.

When she first mentioned IUI, I wrinkled my nose. I wasn't particularly excited about "turkey basting." I wanted this to be something that my sweet husband and I did together, the normal way, in the privacy of our bedroom. I think I'm over that. Bring on the turkey baster, please. If it'll get Superman out of harm's way, then I'm all about it.

October 8, 2009

Knowledge Doesn't Make a Baby

2009-10-13T10:18:00.005-05:00

If the average person (obviously not someone who is having problems trying to conceive) walked up to me and asked me a question about baby-making, trying to conceive, conception... and even common fertility problems, I could give them an answer that they would feel cam straight from a doctor.

The only problem with that? It's not helping me get pregnant. I've tried every trick, made every purchase, and followed most advice during this process, and still... no baby.

Would you like to know what's even worse?

I've only ovulated TWICE... two opportunities to conceive, and I feel like it has been an eternity. Granted the first 3 or 4 months, I wasn't ovulating, but it was still time that I had to endure not being pregnant. That explains why my doctor's favorite saying is, "Give it time."

The doctor's office called me back. No one there has heard of the Fertility Test, and they don't recommend doing a "fertility work-up" because, "Well, you just haven't been trying very long. We don't even consider you infertile at this point."

They faxed me what they consider to be a "fertility work-up." Bloodwork on cycle day 3, a semen analysis and a HSG (hystersalpingogram). The nurse was explaining what she was faxing to me and telling me that she didn't think it was necessary, because we'd essentially only just begun this journey, but that she would let me decide. As I yanked the paper off of the fax machine and began to read, I interrupted her... "I tested my FSH when I did the fertility test on cycle day 3." Again, they've never heard of that and would obviously want to retest. Whil she was telling me that, I interrupted again, "We've had the semen analysis, and I had an HSG done in 2003." She responds with, "Oh, you've done that?"

Seriously??? Do you not recall the 20 minute phone call I had discussing my husband's beautiful results? The one that confirmed that essentially I was the only problem? Do you really not remember me? This merely tells me that all of their patients are psychotic (like me).

I continue to work on my outline for next week's appointment, so that I don't forget anything. I always go to the doctor armed with charts, calendars and my outline. I always leave feeling better, until the next time that I realize that I'm not pregnant.

So... my plan? This month, we're going to do a cycle day-21 progesterone check. Assuming I don't get pregnant (since more likely than not, I'm going to be ovulating the weekend that my husband and I are out of town... separately), then we'll do the cycle day 3 bloodwork, and start IUIs next month. That's MY plan. Now, we just have to see if I can make MY plan become my doctor's plan.

October 2, 2009

173 Days Ago

2009-10-13T10:06:00.004-05:00

That's when I tossed my birth control pills. After almost exactly three years of marriage, and after obsessively planning and over-analyzing things, my sweet husband and I decided it was time for a baby. Wait. Did I make that sound like WE obsessively planned and over-analyzed? Let me clarify. That was all me. My honey likes to roll with the punches, go with the flow, and while he did want to wait a little while before we had a baby, which we did, he did not obsess like I did.

Six months prior to that liberating day (173 days ago), I began journaling to my future child, started taking prenatals, began gathering information on different pediatricians, researched cord blood banking, chose names, looked at baby furniture and bedding, and the list just goes on and on. And FINALLY... it was time. It was the absolute perfect time to have a baby.

From day 1, I had ovulation tests on hand. I was amazed to find that they had such a thing and knew that getting pregnant was sure to be a cinch with those handy dandy little tools....

Until three months later, when I'd still never seen a positive ovulation test.

Thank God for a doctor who listens to me and did not make me wait that dreaded one year mark before interceding. Three months into the journey, we had a new plan. And that was 89 days ago.

*** Jump forward 84 more days, and this is where you find me. ***

Last night, I started Clomid - no, not my first round but my FOURTH round. I've had two successful ovulatory cycles, but can you really call them "successful" when I'm still not pregnant?

Do I have PCOS? Do I have eggs? Are they good? Am I even a girl? Yes, I've thought all of those things.

To alleviate some of my "out of control" anxiety, I realized it was time for another talk with the handy dandy nurse. She obviously forgets who I am in between calls. She'll ask some ridiculous, simple question (that we are so far past), and I quickly dive into biology.

Nurse: "You mentioned something about Clomid..."

Me: "Yes, I'm starting my fourth round tonight."

Nurse: "Your FOURTH round?"

(No, I did not miss the sound of shock in her voice. Yes, I know it usually works within the first three months. Yes, apparently I am a freak of nature. Isn't that what you were thinking nursey? Haha.)

Me: "Um, yes ma'am."

I proeeded to tell her that when I am there next week for my yearly checkup (although I've been seeing them all year long, it seems), that we need to do more in depth blood testing. We need to check for hypoglycemia, find out if there's some kind of insulin resistence thing going on there... Do I need to be on Metformin?... Check my thyroid, cholesterol, sugar, androgen hormones, adrenal gland hormones. Oh, and can we do a vaginal ultrasound just to check for cysts. No, I have no reason to think that I have cysts - just want to make sure that I don't. Hey. You know I'm ovulating 2-3 days after my appointment. If she wants to start IUIs this cycle, let me know. I'm all over that idea. Oh, and while you're taking notes, tell her that I took a fertility test this cycle. It was fine.

Nurse: "A fertility test?"

Me: "Yes. It's another pee-on-a-stick thing."

Nurse: "You could be our poster child for peeing on a stick huh?"

Me: "Yes. I should write a book. Do As I Say: Not As I Can't Seem to Do."

The nurse proceeded to tell me that she had never heard of a fertility test, so I explained to her that I thought it was fairly new - that it tested the level of FSH (and yes, I then explained what FSH was and what it's purpose was and what it would mean if the FSH level was high).

And throughout our conversation, she diligently took notes, asked questions, and got very specific. She made sure to write down everything I wanted to do/try/plan for my next appointment and then, after telling me to "try to relax" (AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!), she promised to call me back after sharing all of that with the doctor, because I have learned... she doesn't dare answer one of my questions on her own.

Do you blame her?

September 29, 2009